if i was an utterly terrible abusive monster of a husband i could understand her absolute disinterest, but quite frankly i was far from anything like that. i know i was a good husband, but with flaws like any of us.
Who is the easier spouse to leave (all other things being equal), a terrible abusive monster, or a genuinely good person? If you left an abusive monster how would you feel? Free? Vindicated? Empowered?
If you left a genuinely good person, and with the passage of time it became apparent to you that your issues have more to do with how you feel about yourself than anyone else, how would you feel? Shame? guilt? embarrassment? failure?
If someone evokes the feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment within you, are you likely to want to interact with them more or less?
Her avoidance of you has everything to do with how she feels about herself and very little to do with you. She's not looking at you, she's looking in the mirror and doesn't like what she sees.
You will change that narrative when you're having a kick-ass life and she feels left behind. When you get there, I'll be you that she won't be hesitant to interact with you at all.
Originally Posted by ballast
i think people of my generation are more accepting of a first D "mulligan", but two...
Afraid of wearing the "Scarlet D" eh ballast?
Here are a few questions for you:
-- When you introduce yourself do you say "Hi, I'm Ballast, I'm divorced."
-- When someone tells you they are divorced, is your immediate response "How many times?"
-- If you know someone really well, do you judge them by their past, or by their character?
When I was first divorced, I was very interested in "telling my divorce story" and hearing about other people's divorce stories. It had been front and center in my life for so long that my ability to survive that ordeal defined a part of who I was at that point in my life.
Therefore, when I was dating early on, discussion of divorce and "what did you learn from it" was a common topic of conversation.
As time passed, "divorced" came to define who I was less and less, and as that happened I really didn't care if people I was meeting and dating were divorced, never married, or twice divorced. Who cares? Its all about who that person is *now* and what kind of chemistry do you have together?
If I met woman one who said "I've been divorced twice, but I've learned a lot about myself through that experience. I understand why I made the choices I used to make, and I understand what's important to me now and who I've become" that would be much more interesting than someone who was divorced once and said "it was all his fault" and seemingly learned nothing about themselves.
Its all about personal growth and your ability to be a good partner. The rest is really just statistics, and statistics are only important to someone who doesn't know your character.
In short, don't worry about it, you don't have to wear a scarlet D.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
