Man, I just love you guys. I really need to post more often. The support I get from you is priceless and I cherish it.
DnJ, thank you for the push. No, you definitely did not overstep. I wanted your opinion. I didn't realize that in my recounting of events that I had stacked the cards one way, but in re-reading my post, I certainly did. I guess it is probably clear what I really wanted, which was to be with my kids. You hit on a few points that gave me pause and I feel like you may have been responding to something that I didn't say but have been thinking...and thank you for that. You mentioned being patient and to not do anything drastic in this new found indifference. I am not sure if you were speaking out of your own feelings you had during this stage or picking up on what I wasn't saying, but I have been considering filing for D. I'm not really sure why. I am not in a rush for anything, and I am not trying to start dating. I think its just that as I see myself not really interested in being with the woman W has turned in to, and I don't see any signs of W getting better, and the fact that I can't really even feel the love that I used to feel for W anymore (which I find a little sad...but it is what it is), that I find myself wondering why not go ahead and call it. Wouldn't that be the logical step in moving on? I am having a hard time envisioning the path that would lead us to reconciliation...not sure W is capable of what it would take and she certainly isn't showing any signs of that ever happening. If its not going to happen, then why not move forward? These are just my thoughts, haven't acted on anything. I know that I am going through phases myself and that a decision like that is something that I'd need to be sure of...but I can't help but recognize that that is where my head is at recently.
You also mentioned I sound more indifferent than detached...although also detached. To be honest, I'm not sure of the difference. I mean, to me, the word indifference seems to describe how I feel more than detached does, but I don't really understand the difference. I really want to, though. Can you expand on that for me? I really appreciate it. I also get what you mean about in this new stage as my feeling dwindle for W that my other feelings may seem larger than they are and that makes a lot of sense. I hadn't considered that but I see the truth in it.
I am really going to work on finding the other reasons to stand that are at my core. It breaks my heart to lose the feeling for my W, but at the same time I just can't go back to how I felt before. It is too gut wrenching and I need a little peace. I hate that it looks like the way to get past this in my heart and mind is to let go of the feelings I had for W. I cherished those feelings, but they are not serving me now. I want to want to stand for my marriage, but this indifferent stage I have fought hard to get to and so far has been my only way up the ladder. I don't want my feelings for W to be the price I pay to get there, but for now it is what it is. Her lack of love and respect for me at this point aren't helping me...so I have to help me and this has been the only way so far. Like I said, I'm going to dig a little deeper to understand myself and what I want. I'll get there...
Gerda, I just love you! Thank you for that 2x4. You hit me on the head with the the truth I was already holding. I DO know what you mean about how fast they grow and how I don't want to miss any of it. I think my mind was made up already but I was just having a hard time seeing the choice I had made. I remember right before W moved out I was contemplating losing the kids for half the time right at a point where in a few years they would be moving out. I sat down and did the math and came up with about how many days I had left with them. It was difficult seeing the math worked out like that...when you put a number on it, it seems so much more personal. So, I think about the time I have left with them all the time and make every effort to cherish it. It makes me sad to think about W and what she is losing. The time she is losing with them now she can never get back. If her and I ever reconcile, she won't have lost much with me that can't be regained with a little work. She can never get these years of the kids lives back...and that is sad to me knowing that at some point she will have to deal with the knowledge of that. I will not have that to deal with and I know I won't have any regrets coming out of this, regardless of how it plays out.
I can't express how much I appreciate the support from you guys. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
