Here I am. Officially now 100 days into a process acknowledged as Divorce Busting, but is so much more. It's about facing my past and addressing the issues that contributed to the situation I got myself into. In the last 100 days, I have learned about and are addressing the following:
- FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Confronting my parents about the way I was raised and told them about their contribution towards this. Since confronting them, I have been able to talk to them like an adult and not like a scared little boy afraid of making my parents mad and getting a beatdown for saying the wrong thing. I am not afraid of their reactions anymore.
- NGS/Finding my balls (Thanks Sandi). This is the biggest glaring cause of why I am in the situation I am in. All of my life I have people-pleased and ultimately it caught up to me in the most painful way possible. This is something that I am working hard on addressing and resolving. I do not need to explain any further since everyone here knows pretty well where I stand and what I need to continue to work on.
- Confidence in myself- I have always had a problem with my image. And facing the likely reality that I will be single again brings up the questions of whether I will find another relationship with someone else if we divorce. I have my good days and my bad days, but I have been getting a little more confident each day in who I am, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am an awesome guy. I am a caring guy. A great father. A hard worker. A funny person. I just need to show it. This is something that I need to work on. Biggest insecurity I have been dealing with all my adult life.
I do not know what is going to happen to my MR. But at this point, I am learning the hard way that I cannot control that. I can only control myself. And I'm starting to embrace it and work on it. I still pray for resolution and R, but I have accepted that R is completely out of my hands now. And I'm starting to feel...free.
For the actual day:
Not much to note. I picked up D4 from W last night. Little conversation with W. Took D4 home. Made dinner and ate together. Watched TV together and read her a bedtime story and put her to bed. Said my prayers and went to sleep. Got up the next morning, made breakfast for D4 and I, and left the house. Dropped off D4 at preschool. Said good morning to teachers (W is a teacher) and left for work.
Plans to lift tonight and then ? afterwards. I know that I am getting tired earlier which limits my activities, but that is no excuse.
