Not struggling quite as much

[Jim1234]

1.No longer living together makes it tougher in some ways, easier in others. Either way it's out of your control so don't worry about it and spend that energy in a positive fashion. Or wallow in self-pity. The choice is yours. If she's interested in R, you will know it.

2. If she's interested in R, you will know it. (I'm noticing a trend....)

3. Sounds like it's out of your control.....(another trend...)

4. Who brought up counseling? DB coaches vs counselors doesn't matter all that much. They have different goals IMO. Either one's success will be much greater with a 2 person commitment than a 1 person effort. Why look for a MC when your W doesn't want MC? You like wasting your time and hurting your own feelings?

So that's it. Let go of what you can't control and work on what you can. Please tell me so more details about the last few contacts you've had with her, her attitude, what's been happening.

Ya, I get that it's out of my control. I'm trying to move on and live my life like she's not coming back. Because of that, I'm at the point now, though, where I'm not really interested in trying to R unless she's willing to own her part in the failure of our marriage. I was curious how Steve's W showed she was willing, and then I was trying to explain that many of the avenues Steve's W used to show she was willing to work on the marriage were no longer open to me. The only avenue I see is my W having an "AHA" moment, which Steve suggests avoiding bringing up.

I guess I'm trying to avoid her saying "I'd like to R", and have my answer be "Ya, that's great, BUT..... I'm not, unless you are willing to work on your issues, too," because at this point I've finally achieved enough emotional distance, I don't want to go back to where my needs are no longer met, or she doesn't even attempt to meet them.

Maybe I'm trying to exercise some control over the situation, so I don't get it as much as I think I do......

As far as counseling goes, she brought it up. We were having lunch, discussing both the tentative separation agreement, and an epiphany I had and subsequent apology months ago regarding my culpability in the failure of our marriage (see earlier posts if interested.... don't want to recap here for brevity, but it was significant and apparently made an impression). She basically said if we did R, she didn't want to go back to counseling.