Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

Journaling:

The past week has been a bit more up and down emotionally. I think part of it is the birthday I have coming up - perhaps another reminder of my mortality and the passing years. Also after some time off from self-reflection I have been re-reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F##k and taking notes on it, and that has stirred up some things as well. The section on absolute responsibility for our lives spoke to me. Just because we are responsible doesn't mean we are to blame, fault is the past, responsibility is the present. I definitely fell into the trap of the victim mindset before BD. I was unable to distinguish between the external things I couldn't control and the internal reactions and attitudes that I could. I saw all the uncontrollable elements and the ways (in my mind) the world was conspiring against me and more or less gave up. I turned to numbing behaviors (thankfully nothing too destructive, just internet and tv) and fell into depression. Taking responsibility was hard post BD, but I know that I am getting better at it.

The other section that spoke to me was about fear of failure, how most of us reach a place where we are afraid to fail because we are using sh@tty metrics to measure success/failure. I certainly reached that point both in my relationship and in my professional life. It seems strange to me, because my life has been marked by some bold decisions - moving to a country where I didn't speak the language and giving up a secure job, marrying my wife after only a year of dating. But at some point, fear became a dominating factor in my life. Fear of losing my job, fear of losing my wife, fear of being rejected by people socially. That's just not a healthy place to be. A few weeks or month after BD I remember thinking to myself that I really had nothing to be afraid of anymore. I had lost my W and my MR - the worst thing I could ever imagine had happened, and there I was, wobbling, but still standing. I felt like a heavy drape had been removed, and all the other fears seemed more trivial. I learned how to "lead-rope" while rock-climbing which would have previously terrified me, I got my first tattoo, on a simpler level I forced myself to go out with common friends whose judgement/pity/derision I would have feared earlier.

It's still a work in progress though. For my upcoming birthday I really wanted to have friends come over to my house, since it has been so solitary for the past three months, but I don't have many "real" friends in my city. Everyone I know is a common friend of my W and I, or a co-worker with whom I get along but don't really have much contact with outside of work. It was legitimately frightening to put out the invitation on social media and spread it to basically anyone I am even an acquaintance with. My mind definitely went to the thoughts of people receiving the invite thinking "Why?" or the thought that everyone would just ignore it. And to top it off, it is a week later and only half a dozen people out of the 60-70 people I sent it to have let me know that they will be coming. It really could be quite lame. What I am comforting myself with is the thought that I want to lean in to the fear, to make myself vulnerable and open and to share some good food, drinks, music, maybe a bonfire with people who want to be in my life. If I judge it by that metric there is still success even if the party itself is a flop. My values are pushing through the fear and spending time with friends. I want to get so accustomed to the fear that it loses its ability to paralyze me, to continue to feel it but be able to put it in its place.

I'm still struggling and trying to work through my resentment towards my W. I did 4 straight days of (hot) yoga (my shoulders are quite sore!) and worked on "forgiveness" and "letting go" as my intention throughout. By the fourth day I could feel my mindset shifting and softening. Not that I am where I want to be, but I could feel movement and fluidity where before I felt stuck in rigidity.

In any case, if anyone has read this long, thanks! I haven't been able to get in to see my IC and won't until next week, so this has become my opportunity to let out some things.