A familiar story with questions VII

[RR17]

Thanks, guys. I'm still optimistic, remember no expectations. In fact, until your responses, I simply saw this as a small setback.

Maybe all this other behavior has all been just to keep the peace? Perhaps, but I don't think so and it really doesn't matter. I'm done trying to fix her and I'm detached to a great extent.

If anything it has been a reminder that if there is to be proper R it has to be proper.

[Gordie]

RR

Just caught up on your latest thread

I wish I had some sage advice for you but just want to encourage you

You read all your old threads so just think of how far you have come

Friend zone is not ideal but it beats the enemy zone

Like others and you have said I think you are right to continue to be patient

So while you recently initiated and were rejected

It seems like it did not set you back

So shame it off and keep being patient

Also agree with your approach to continue to be an active listener

The fact that she is noticing that was the biggest positive sign to me that you are on the right path

Best wishes

[RR17]

Thanks, Gordie.

It is always insightful when I read what others pick up on, or pick out from, what I have written. Helps to see the trees from the forest.

Active Listening is a skill that I think most all LBS could benefit from improving. Not only does it make the W feel heard, which would be worth it in its self, but it also allows an LBS the opportunity to demonstrate Confidence Masculine behavior.
Hear that all you NGS types?
Once you reach the point where you can listen to condemning accusations without reacting like a wounded victim, you send a very different powerful message. IMO

Anyway, on we go.

[neffer]

Glad to read the way you are taking your sitch RR. You are posting very useful advice. Thank you.

Stay strong man!

[RR17]

Thanks neffer.
I appreciate the compliment. I never come here seeking it, but it's nice to hear that I can contribute. The group has been a tremendous asset to me and I can only hope to give back.

In keeping with my efforts to document the good, not just the bad:

Speaking of compliments. (Something that I have often struggled with) Something out of the normal happened today. I met my W and her coworker CFO today to show them commercial space as therir building has been purchased and they have been given notice.
We three had lunch after and all went well.
Later W sends an email and adds "BTW Andrea very impressed with you."

Seemed odd and out of character, but I'll take it. Not reading too much into it, but worth noting.

[neffer]

Steps forward man. It counts. Keep doing it RR

[RR17]

I almost feel guilty posting such a minor detail, but considering my W, it is another very different behavior. I feel guilty especially when I have advised others not to trust what they hear.

I have to admit that I ponder the chance that it is a ploy to throw me off her trail, but I wouldn't bet on it. Prior to leaving for work today, she came up and again thanked me for helping them with this.
Giving me credit for much of anything is unusual and the tone and eye contact seems sincere.
Time will tell.
As for me? I'm not going to change what I have been doing. Manage expectations and focus on my own stuff.

[neffer]

And keeping negative thoughts away. If there is some mind reading just choose the possitive one.
Patience man.

[RR17]

Great point neffer. Keep the negative thoughts away.

For the benefit of others, I want to point out that part of my 180s has been to study meditation. Mostly Mindful Meditation. Besides giving me something other than my sitch to focus on in spare time, it has helped me to better understand that thoughts, "negative thoughts" especially, are just things. They are not who we are.

We are able to mitigate these unuseful feelings of destitute and despair.

Stop the incessant rumination.

All important parts of restoring Confident, masculin energy. Lose that bata, NGS.

There are many videos and books out there on the subject. I have enjoyed News Journalist Dan Harris' journey to discover the hows and whys. He presents it in an entertaining, less metaphysical, more practical, approach. Hope this helps those that need it.

[RR17]

So this went down this morning.

Every other week I serve at our church. D16 serves in the children's program every Sunday.
W has been staying home and usually watching online, often preparing breakfast. In the past with D16 out and 2 hours to spare, I have as described, tried to initiate sex. Now keep in mind, W has continued to move closer and other than physical affection, she has exhibited all indications of moving toward R. More respect than I have seen in years. Consideration and platonic harmony. These attempts have all failed and sometimes resulted in an R talk.

This morning W comes up and knocks on MBR door where I sleep and states that she is going to another local church with a friend. I don't respond. She asks "What is that look on your face?" Although I'm not aware of any specific look and typically she doesn't care to notice any nonverbal cues anyway. I respond "I think you're going simply to avoid a situation". That's it. Well, she goes into this "You think I'm going to church blah, blah blah.." I say nothing except "You asked what I was thinking".

She goes back downstairs and continues to get ready to meet her friend. Shortly after, I go down to make more coffee. I knocked on her door and told her that I didn't want her to go. Well, this was interesting.
She asked, "why not, are you preventing me from attending church?" Although she is in a bible study program, she hasn't been to church in many months. I repeated, " I'm asking you not to go". To which she expanded on the very thing that I accused her of doing. "Well I'm not going to stay here and let you tell me all the bad things...blah blah blah" I replied that "If you don't want to be held to your past behaviors, I expect the same."
I go back to what I was doing and I can hear her pacing around and pondering what to do. Again she asks "Why don't you want me to go?" I replay " Because I said so" That was enough to justify her defiance. She says "Well I'm going. You're not my father". I don't respond. Although miffed, I am not overly attached to this silly stunt. Running away has always been W's default go to and watching her try to insight anger to justify her actings was, I have to admit, mildly amusing. She leaves and in the usual fashion, I send one more text. "I'm not your father, but I'm still your husband." No reply

Hind sights always 20/20 but at the time I felt putting my foot down was the thing to do. When she said that she would never try to stop me from going to any place, especially not church. I calmly responded that I wouldn't go if she told me not to.
Hearing her make accusations about what she knows that I will do, all the meanwhile never wanting to be held to her past, shows selfish WAW behavior that I haven't seen in many months. Although she struggled, she ultimately betrayed my wishes. I stood up without losing my cool.

Thoughts and feedback appreciated.