Hello DB family. I haven't posted in a bit. I've been trying to keep up with you guys threads, but have been taking a break from my own thread. I've been kind of status quo with my situation...which actually isn't even true. Nothing different has been happening between W and I, but I do feel myself changing. As I become more detached, my desire to reconcile with W dwindles. The last couple of weeks have been a little tough on me emotionally, though, so I thought I should come back to my thread and journal a little.
I'll start my journalling with an observation I've had about myself recently. As I mentioned above, the more time I spend away from W, the more detached I feel and the less I feel like reconciling. To recap my situation, I'm 2 years from noticing her initial changes, 2 months out on 2 year anniversary of BD, and 5 months out from when she moved out. We don't really ever talk unless it is about the kids scheduling. There was a random call about 2 weeks ago where we talked for about 20 minutes on the phone because she kept the call going and seemed to want to talk, but outside of that 1 call she is mainly pretty distant. I do not initiate anything anymore. What I realized is that when I spend enough time away from her, my desire to continue standing for my marriage dwindles to almost nothing. Recently I have found that my interactions with her are not affecting much much either. Previously I would feel fine and then I would see her and it would set me back some and it would take me a day or so to right myself again. I'd be missing her and my family unit being together. I've recently discovered that when I spend time with her and her family, it still affects me. Her brothers and I have always been close and they have continued to contact me to hang out with them. I do on occasion, but I do not initiate contact with them out of respect for boundaries (not that W deserves that respect but that is the man I am), but I do reply to their initiation of contact. What I've realized is that I seem to be ok around W, and OK around her family, but hanging out with them all together affects me negatively. It feels awkward. I explain that as a little background to the decision I am trying to make for this week...but before I get to that I need to discuss my kids.
My daughter and my W have not been getting along very well. S gets frustrated by Ws behavior sometimes, but he is 15 and wrapped up in his own social circle that it doesn't affect him as much. Both kids seem to prefer to stay wit me, but D makes it obvious. In the past week she has cried twice after interactions with W. This past week was my week with the kids, but Ws mother was in town and wanted to have the kids for a day to see their grandma, which I of course allowed. Thing is, she wanted them for Halloween. S had plans with friends already which W knew and understood. D WANTED to hang out with friends, but she was waiting for friends to invite her. When I picked D up from school last Monday, she had found out during the day that her friends mom had sent an invite to W for D to go to the friends house for a party, but W had declined because she wanted D to come to her house and hang out with grandma. D already didn't want to hang out with W, and her brother got to go hang out with his friends. D cried and said that she felt like her mom had zoned out for a couple years and now all the sudden wanted to try and spend time with her again, but that she didn't even try to do things she wanted to do or to get to know her again. That she was still treating her like the little kids she was 2 years ago. I thought it was good that she was able to verbalize her feelings like that, but it broke my heart. Then on actual Halloween, I took son to his party and W picked up daughter from school. Around 8:15 D texts me and asks if I want to come pick her up. It seemed a little early so I asked if they were done and if it was OK with her mom. D said yes so I got in the car and drove over. W had her brothers, their families, her mom, her dad and his wife, and a few friends of her brothers over and their kids. My D was in her room with the door locked. So, looking around, it was everyone hanging out with their families, except W. Her son was out, H (me) not there, and daughter who was in her room with the door shut. A few of the family got up and hugged me and said they were wondering when I was coming, but I politely said that I was there to pick up D. W had offered me food which I politely declined. Then she realized I was just there to pick up D and seemed distressed. I said that I had asked D if it was ok and she said yes, and W agreed that it was fine. I think W just wanted to put on a show for her family that everything was fine (having D over, offering me food, etc), but I just don't roll like that. So, I left with D and she cried on the way home. Said everyone was awkward around her and barely even talked to her. I explained to her that I wish I could make it easier on her, but what I could do is make sure that my house was a comfortable environment for her to relax and be herself. And that she could talk to me about anything and that it was good that she was talking to me now. We then went home and had a great rest of our evening. She fell asleep next to me on the couch watching a scary show on TV.
So that was last week. This coming week my Ws brothers have invited me on a boys camping trip. It will be her 2 brothers and a couple of close friends. I did take the time off of work and planned on going. I really love her brothers and they have been my brothers for the past 20 years. I am feeling conflicted now. To start, this is Ws week with the kids, but come Friday it will be my week again. If I go, it will put the kids with their mom for a week and a half and cut in to my time. With the way that W and D have been getting along, I am worried about doing that. Then, turns out S has a major VB tournament this weekend. He just got moved to varsity and he is a freshman. They are in first place in the standings right now so they have a good shot at winning the tournament. It would be kind of like winning a state championship. He is VERY excited about it. If I go camping, I will miss that. In addition, I have been starting to wonder about my relationship with the brothers. I am not so sure if a big bonding trip with them is within my best interest right now. If W and I do not reconcile, then most likely my relationship with them will have to diminish. I mean if W starts seeing someone serious enough to bring around the family then I can't still be around for that. Not that she is seeing someone now, but we don't seem to be going anywhere with our relationship so that is a real possibility. But...her brothers love me and really want me to go, so I feel pretty conflicted about it.
Whew...sorry to have written so much, but I needed to type all that out. I love my family and never wanted things to be like this.
