Introduction

[TJT]

TJT,

You need to up your detachment efforts. You can control your thoughts, feelings, and actions. You can’t control his.

It makes sense in theory but it's definitely taking some practice! I am really NOT feeling like I can control my feelings, thoughts are a close second. I'm good controlling my actions but the first two make it a lot more confusing and end up just keeping me in limbo with INaction. Which, I guess is where I've accepted I need to be until I can master the other two and be sure any decisions I do make are something I'm good with.

It just goes back to how my inaction could be perceived, I guess. What's gotten really confusing to me is it's obvious that DBing plays a lot into psychology and what influences people, and while there are definitely some general behaviors across the board that we know are detrimental, I also feel like each individual has tendencies that need to be taken into account, or maybe even things we just don't understand. As a result, since our own default behaviors likely don't match what will work in these cases, it seems that by default we MUST think about them and their reaction to things, because otherwise we'd constantly be messing up.

So this balance of "stop thinking about him" yet "don't do the things that will mess this up" can get really confusing. That's what got me into the whole debate about whether I should file or not. It seems in some situations it's a good push, while in others it become justification for the WAS that the other person is now on the same page as them. But if I don't push, doesn't that continue to make me look desperate and sad, that he knows he's done all of this to me and yet I won't file either? How will I EVER know which way is better? So what I'm more paranoid about is not necessarily what he's doing or thinking per se, but just more around self-sabotaging any little opportunity that may be there, by simply not knowing what the opportunity is.

I don't know if this is making any sense, but I just feel like everyone else understands what to do much more clearly than I do. Or at least feels that there IS a way when I feel like there may not be.

EZ, what was your recent "pivot" moment?

I am certain that I will know when all hope has gone and am ready to divorce, so I just give myself the luxury of time.

This is essentially where I've ended back up after a few days...and I'm also taking into consideration/realizing that as long as we stay married, he's going to be limited in his ability to truly move on with HIS life, at least logistically, mostly because of the fact that he won't have any documentation about not being responsible for the house if neither of us file. So if he is planning on getting a new vehicle or getting a new place or anything, the mortgage on his credit is going to make those kinds of things pretty difficult based on his income...and he will be forced to either file, change his mind to work together again, or else live in a very limited way. At least that's what it seems like to me. Also, not sure how we'll handle it when tax time comes if we're still married...that's another thing to start thinking about in a few months. ugh.

But also, yes, I agree with you Yorkie and I'm glad you shared your feelings at this point too. I don't want to rush myself either, and as much as I'm afraid that that makes me look desperate and sad in his eyes, I know if I start to think about filing and I get super panicked about it, it's probably not the time.