DejaVu - I agree that our core values are learned from our parents, but also our fears and insecurities.
About two years before BD we decided to get an au pair. We ended up having four au pairs in total. Two were kind hearted and sweet and became part of the family. The other two were sulky, distrustful and sat in their rooms all the time. The two that became part of our family were from stable loving families. We would take them on family excursions, shared family meals etc. They both spoke to their parents daily. Their parents even came over to visit and we went out to dinner with them (well I did, H, as usual, was away). The other two were from broken homes (1 was abandoned by her dad, the other abandoned by her mum) and lasted with us about a month each.
Do I think all children from broken homes end up damaged. No - I think it has a lot to do with how the separated parents interacted post the separation. Which is why we both try very hard to interact in as positive a way as we can when the children are present.
BTW - H came from a broken home. He saw his dad kissing someone when he was 6. He ran all the way home and hid under his covers. His parents didn't separate for 5 years after. Those five years were characterised by infidelity on both sides, lots of screaming, bickering over money and using the kids as pawns. H has huge issues with a) jealousy and b) infidelity.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
So this beautiful family of four that we created has become a broken family of three. Either them with me or them with him and rarely, if ever, the four of us together. That is the hardest part. Thinking that my kids will always have to choose one parent over the other for special occasions and big events. And that even if we figure out a way for both of us to be somewhere at the same time, it will never, ever be the same as having two parents together who love each other as much as they love you. That experience is so valuable and irreplaceable and I ache for my children, and me, that they will not have that...that I cannot give that to them.
You don't know this. Even if you do not reconcile, you seem like a woman who can manage to sit in the same room with H and be civil. Your children do not have to choose unless you make them choose. Your children do not need to know that you love each other as much as you love them, only that they came from a place of love, and that they are loved.
All young children want their parents to be together, but if they can't have that, then they want you to be happy. Once they are older, they will want you to be happy over wanting you to be together.
