Thank you DnJ. I so appreciate your perspective and advice. I just came back from meetings at my kids’ school. Thankfully my H wasn’t able to attend so I didn’t have to deal with conflicting feelings. I figured out last night that the reason I was so bothered by his presence at the last meeting was because he was sitting there so concerned and present which is what I literally prayed for the past four years. And my prayers were answered EXCEPT that in order for him to be there, he had to leave me. So this beautiful family of four that we created has become a broken family of three. Either them with me or them with him and rarely, if ever, the four of us together. That is the hardest part. Thinking that my kids will always have to choose one parent over the other for special occasions and big events. And that even if we figure out a way for both of us to be somewhere at the same time, it will never, ever be the same as having two parents together who love each other as much as they love you. That experience is so valuable and irreplaceable and I ache for my children, and me, that they will not have that...that I cannot give that to them.
I look back on my childhood and I realize that much of who I am today, my core values and beliefs, come from living with and observing my parents’ journey together. It’s not that they didn’t go through things. They did. They also argued but rarely, if ever, went to bed angry. Their’s was a deep and enduring love. Not the kind of love that my H wants...the first couple years of hormone-driven excitement with no challenges or disappointments... but that long lasting, committed, respectful love everyone wants to achieve and sadly only a small percentage make it to in this modern world where you can find alternatives with the swipe of a finger on a screen. And we wonder why the world is the way it is nowadays. Values have been eroded, self-gratification and putting “me” first is viewed as something we should all do to the exclusion of everything else...nothing is sacred anymore. My parents had their ups and downs but they always, always modeled respect, compassion, forgiveness and communication as being the most important elements of a relationship. Sadly, my dad developed pancreatic cancer in 2004 only a few months after my mom retired. He had been retired a couple of years. My mom nursed him in my childhood home [she was a nurse by profession] until, at the age of 66, he took his last breath on July 4, 2005 and then she missed him every day until cancer came calling for her and she took her last breath May 10, 2017. I pray that they are together now. My H never met my dad as we only met about a month before my dad passed. It is a shame. They would have gotten along and my H would have learned a lot from him. Certainly he has heard a lot about him and, I fear, likely feels like he could never measure up in my eyes. He has made some comments over the years alluding to this. I have tried hard not to make comparisons and there have been times when I have told my H that he reminds me of my dad in certain ways. But my H knows that my dad was honourable, honest and committed...these are qualities he left behind long ago so even if I don’t make any direct comparisons, when I talk about my dad, I think my H makes those connections and then resents me for it. I don’t talk about him much anymore in my H’s presence other than that I wish my kids had had a chance to know him. He would have loved them passionately - unlike my H’s dad who hasn’t seen them for over a year and a half and does not ask about them.
Anyway... that’s enough stream of consciousness writing for now. To be continued many more times this week, I’m sure, as I endeavour to put more distance between me and my H and reduce our relationship to more of a business one. It is going to be hard. Aside from my sister, he has been my best friend and I have been his and when he is his friendly and smiling at me, it is so difficult not to want to just soak that up. Not this week. Time for tough love...not with my H but with me. I have to get on with it. (((HUGS))) to all!!
