Still determined, not as scared

[DnJ]

DV6

You are starting to see the timeframe of the past events, current events, and some of the possible future events. There are many possible futures, please do not discount any of them because they seem far off or unobtainable. An MLCer will hold adamantly to their facts and believes about their new life, right up until they don’t. Remember, they have to believe in their fantasy reality, they will expend considerable energies into maintaining their fantasy. Some will destroy everything around themselves to feed their perceptions, their reality.

You are trying to make sense of this. That is an good goal, we all need some understanding before being able to move forward and start to detach and let go. A caution, be careful trying to wrap your head around his muddled thinking, you will drive yourself crazy. He doesn’t understand his own actions, you can’t be expected to either.

I guess what I struggle with is how to think of this.

A very true statement. Every single one of us has to find their peace with this. It takes time.

And maybe this is semantics but it seems to me that if we are four years in and not eight weeks, the way it feels to me, then maybe I should be way less hopeful about this ever turning around or maybe I should just give up altogether? I know I am not ready to do the latter but it has occurred to me a number of times that maybe a really smart person who is looking out for herself would do that?

A few things more for you to consider.

Feelings are fleeting, quick to rise, quick to extinguish. Some quicker than others. Do not base decisions on how you’re feeling. Your H is doing that, and look at how well that is working out.

I bold faced the feeling part above so you can see it. All that questioning is based on feelings.

Thoughts follow feelings, and usually rather quickly. I am sure you know how angry you were recently at H and how quickly your thoughts changed towards him. Then once the feeling subsided the thoughts did as well.

One should be lead by their beliefs, their convictions. Find them, and follow them. Beliefs are less prone to change and are strong enough to weather an assault.

Make decisions when you are calm and at relative peace.

You are correct you are 8 weeks in, your H is 4 years. Yes he has an incredible jump on things, and you are scrambling to figure out what the heck is going on. Be gentle on yourself, you have lots of time. There is no need to make any decisions any time soon. That is one of the reasons it is suggested to let the MLCer do the heavy lifting of leaving, let them make the decisions, let them have the burden of that choice. It is not a trick or manipulation, you are just not in a place to know what it is you really want or need.

I know you are looking for answers, I’ve been there. You are questioning your resolve and even what is the smart thing to do, I’ve been there too.

I have had some hard earned lessons, I’ve been through the wringer, and I made it. I love life again! You will make it, no matter which way things go.

I have posted my journey, openly, vulnerably, sincerely, and honestly. My advice and suggestions follow the same belief.

You are just starting out on a path not of your choosing. Shock and denial are big initial factors. I think you are passed them; however there will be more times where the shock and denial will return, do not worry or fret - face it, it will come and it will pass.

For now focus on you and your kids.

GAL, make your days full and meaningful.

Look at you situation accurately and clearly, detachment will come, no need to rush things.

Acknowledge and feel your feelings. They will be intense, and maybe even a little scary or crazy. It is ok, they will pass. This rollercoaster has steep hills and deep valleys, however the ride is not forever, it does get smooth.

Make some choices or decisions when clear and level-headed. I am suggesting a road map of sorts. A pre-decided choice of how you would like to act and behave during this. Something you can fall back on, and use to guide you during times of deep feelings or confusion. Your core beliefs.

One last thing. Your core beliefs. They are as I said less prone to change, however they can be changed. You have been giving the gift of time, some very wise people have said that statement many times on this forum. Use this gift wisely. Do your inner healing, your inner work. If there is something about you, deep inside you are not really happy with, change it. You have the time.

Make those changes to your core, to your convictions, to your beliefs. It takes time and a choice by you to do it. Live it and make those changes permanent. You will love the results, guaranteed.

DnJ