Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[Bern19]

However, I think your tale is a cautionary one for other LBS' that are tempted to confront the OP in their WAS's A. The truth is, as you've found out, is that the AP is not the problem. The R with your W is. Confronting the AP (and I did it in my W's first EA in 2005) is akin to putting a bandaid on the stump of a severed limb. You haven't really dealt with the problem in totality. And now you are constantly looking over your shoulder wondering. Unfortunately, when we "ruin" a WAS's A (like so many of us want to do!) they will blame us for getting in the way of their happiness. Another anti-D expert that I've read and followed, terms it this way. "Do you really want to force your W to stay with you? The way you'd cage a wild animal? Or do you want her to come back of her own volition, wanting to be with you, and wanting to work on the MR?"

Who wants to be with someone that keeps wanting to get away? That is why confronting rarely works.

That's exactly where I am right now. Although I want my marriage to survive, I'm not interested in some hollow arrangement where I'm always going to wonder where she is or who she's with. If she's not able or interested in working to rebuild trust, and then rebuilding our marriage, then I will have to let the MR go.

So Bern, are you doubling down on DB? Detach....GAL.....180s? That may be the only thing that saves your marriage.

yes, trying hard. Failing often.

Issues in the past were being dismissive of her, talking down to her & the kids, not taking care of my self, not helping around the house, etc. Basically a truly bad husband that thought that providing a high standard of living and spending some quality time with them was all it took to be a good dad/husband. I've spent way more time talking about and working on me in my IC sessions.

Detachment- (been my achilles heel so far)
No- "But, I love you"
Not initiating conversations
Not pursuing, begging, pleading.
Trying to give her the gift of my being absent

180's-
Making sure I'm focused on her when she does speak, validating along the way.
Focusing on not just what I say, but how I say it.
Keeping busy at home, helping out with household chores, etc.


GAL-
Spending time away from home with friends
Joined a boxing gym