[Living]

[quote=LH19]Living,

I am really sorry you are going through this right now.

I am going to give you my opinion. He's manipulating you. He wants to have affairs with younger woman and still have the comforts of the family and home. It is good you stopped having sex with him. Sounds like your'e ready to cave which will put you back at ground zero.

Lets look at actions and consequences. He has affairs and the consequences are he sleeps in other room and you have not had sex with him in two weeks. I have married friends who go way longer then that.

This is very troublesome to read because it sounds to me that it is like a game to him.

LH19,

I assure you that I am not going to cave. It is hard to withdraw and detach, I'm just acknowledging that when I say that I miss my husband. Truth is I miss the man he used to be. I miss the man I fell in love with. I'm not fond of this new person he has become.

Detaching takes a really long time. Keep in mind that the husband you fell in love with is likely going to be gone for a really long time.

To my knowledge, he has only had 1 physical affair, which was last year. Trust me when I say that I know there was no excuse for his affair. He is a grown man and could have made a better decision.

So you believe the Hawaii girl was not an affair?

I will not be sleeping with him or having sex with him. I agree with you that he was trying to manipulate me. However, that is over. I refuse to allow myself to continue to be played. Therefore no matter how hard this may be, I'm choosing to just focus on myself. I'm choosing my self-respect.

This is a really good statement! Stick to it.

Do I want my marriage to work? Sure I do! But if and when he comes to his senses, we won't be just picking up where we left off. Too much has been said and too much has been done. It will take some real work to patch this marriage up.

This is also a good statement make sure you also stick to this or it won't work out long-term.

My husband appears to be in a full-blown mid-life crisis and unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about that. This is a journey he must take on his own.

What makes you think it's MLC? When you say there is nothing you can do about it, what do you mean? That you do not have choices?

You sound like you are on the right track so stick to what you posted above.

To be honest, I do not think the female in Hawaii was a physical affair. I could be wrong but my gut feeling says he did not sleep with her. The chick last year that he used to work with was a full-blown affair. My gut told me so and it turns out my intuition was right.

I honestly think he met a chick in Hawaii and flirted with her. They obviously exchanged numbers since I saw the text message between them. However, she didn't pursue him, he sent her a text message. She just responded. That is why I say the Hawaii chick isn't an issue. The issue is my husband. He obviously sees no wrong in his behavior. Therefore, it will be her or someone else. He feels like he is unhappy and his first impulse is to try to hook up with someone else. So how is he behaving since I have found out about him not being happy, and saying he wants to leave, and texting the chick in Hawaii...he has been on his best behavior. He comes straight home from work and isn't texting anyone in my view. Does that mean that I am naive to think that he may not be texting her when I go to bed or when he goes to work? No, I don't trust him right now as far as I can throw him.

He has proven that he is disloyal and deceitful so I don't trust him at all.

Regarding why I think he is going through a midlife crisis because I have done a ton of research and he shows all of the textbook signs.

* He says he is unhappy and feels like he is missing out on something
* He says, I love you but I am not in love with you anymore
* He says he is confused and lost
* He says he doesn't know what will make him happy but life is short so he has to find what will make him happy
* He isn't sleeping much
* He has drastically changed from the person he was. He never displayed any of this behavior for the first 10 years of our marriage.
* He says one thing and then his actions say another thing.
* He says he feels like he has put pressure on himself to be a good provider, father, and husband. That he has put pressure on himself to be better than his mother, better than his father, and better than his step-father (who was verbally and emotionally abusive to him).
* He has a sudden urge to buy a new truck. He's almost become obsessed looking at new trucks.
* He has blamed me for why he is unhappy with the marriage.
* Now he says it's not my fault, I have been a wonderful wife...it's him.
* He had an affair with a 26-year old that he said made him feel alive. After the affair, he felt shame and said he doesn't know who he was and why he did that.
* He said he is bored and has the sudden urge to change his routine.
* He said he is tired of the same old same old. He wants something different. He feels like we are not progressing.

All of those things, coupled with his odd behavior leads me to believe he is in and has been in a mid-life crisis. I honestly think his father dying is what did it. I say that because that is when I begin to see his slow decline. My family and kids all agree that there is something different about him. He is not who he used to be. His behavior is so out of character for him. We have been together for 12 years and he has never shown any signs of this behavior prior to last year. It is truly like he has been abducted by aliens. I know that sounds cliche but it is s true.