FS - I feel the same way about DnJ and am so grateful he has decided to follow my thread and advise me. But...don’t sell yourself short. I am just as grateful for you and find your advice and support invaluable. You have rescued me from some really depressing moments and I am so grateful. Thank-you both from the bottom of my heart.
More journaling...
I almost started crying again this morning but stopped myself. Hearing the D word, even though not from him directly, has hit me hard. It has made me really look at what I have been doing and I realized that I have still been pursuing him...just in a really indirect way. I’ve been too friendly...too available. I need to stop. I need to step back and get my act together. I have resolved to really step back this week. I am going to stop asking him how he is feeling. If he is in pain, he knows how to deal with it and doesn’t need my sympathy. He had it for four years and I put his needs first consistently for all of that time. It is time to start putting myself and my kids first and to stop worrying about him. He’s a big boy and he has chosen this path. He needs to walk it alone. I can’t help him and more importantly, he doesn’t want my help... he doesn’t want me. Gosh that hurts to write. I should just get a piece of paper and write it over and over until I really get it. I know that deep down he loves me but he has no access to that feeling anymore. It is just about him and his desperate attempt to find a new life so he can feel something again. I realized yesterday that all the hopeful signs these past few weeks have only been his attempt at alleviating his guilt. He has a lot of it...and shame...but he has shoved most of that down and presses on with the idea that if he can just be done with this part of his life in a way that doesn’t lead me to hate him, that guilt and shame will magically disappear. A month ago, I know he felt all of that intensely which is when he wanted to come home. But he has recovered from that brief glimpse into his psyche and is once again in full self-preservation and protection mode. I know that he will not get back in touch with those feelings for a very long time, if ever.
One thing I wonder about is the length of time this has gone on. He was “gone” for about two years but then came “back” for eight months in an effort to “make a fresh start” and “try to be happy”. As he did nothing different, sought no help and told no one that is what he was doing, that ended once the newness of the move and our improved financial situation wore off and he was left with himself again. Then he picked up where he left off and “left” again for another six months before I became aware this was even going on. So, in my world, this is still pretty fresh...two months in. But for him it has been four years so he has had all that time to convince himself it is me and our relationship that is at the root of his problems despite his brief periodic moments of insight. I guess what I struggle with is how to think of this. And maybe this is semantics but it seems to me that if we are four years in and not eight weeks, the way it feels to me, then maybe I should be way less hopeful about this ever turning around or maybe I should just give up altogether? I know I am not ready to do the latter but it has occurred to me a number of times that maybe a really smart person who is looking out for herself would do that?
