[Living]

Hi Living. I am sorry you are here but glad that you have found your way to this board. There are many amazing people on here who have some great advice. It is advice that is tough to follow when you are still reeling from all of this and emotions are high but the sooner you can do what they suggest, the better off you will be. I am seven weeks into my H’s crisis although my H has been “gone” a lot longer than that. It has been seven weeks since I was “in the know”. My H, too, told his daughter (my SD) that he wants a divorce. He has not said it to me. The one day he came close was around week three when he told me he didn’t want to be married, that he didn’t love me anymore and that he was leaving. Six hours later he did a 180 and told me he wanted to come home and was texting me all kinds of suggestions about things we could do to help him get better. A week of “packing [stuff that he had secretly moved to his new place] and processing” followed... at the end of which, he was still not ready to come home. I finally just told him to go and not to come back until he wants to be here. That was a month ago. He seems pretty happy where he is and again told my SD yesterday that he wants a D... to me, he says he has no plan and we are “on a break”. Looking back, I have realized that despite having made some really positive changes and having some good days, I have still been covertly pursuing him and pressuring him. A few R talks that seemed to go really well at the time but in hindsight, I think my H was doing his own version of DBing and was just listening and validating all the while thinking to himself that he just needs to endure my “feelings” until I am ready to accept divorce as the answer to his problems. So this week I am resolving to reduce my contact with him and just let him be. I have been my H’s best friend for 13 years so it is hard not to want to comfort him when he is down or rejoice with him when he is up but I know I need to stop, for my sake. Anyway...don’t mean to hijack your thread. I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain. I know what you are going through. For your sake, the sooner you can leave your H to do his thing, the better. The OWs in your sitch are just symptoms and not worth worrying about. Good for you for setting some strong boundaries early on. That will only benefit you in the long run. (((HUGS)))

DejaVu6,

My heart breaks for you. Thank you so much for the warm welcome and no worries, you didn't hijack my thread. I hate saying that it's good that there are people who understand what I'm going through. I say that because I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. My husband and I have been the best of friends so I know exactly what you mean. Up until a year ago, we had an awesome marriage. That is why this is so hard for me. There was no abuse or any sort. We didn't even argue. However, something changed. In working with my thera[ist, we think this change may have started to take place after his father died.

It is a tough road to not want to comfort and love on them. My husband hurt his finger at work and had to have a minor out-patient procedure on it. I wanted so bad to comfort him in the worst way. However, I just told him I hoped it felt better and left it at that.

The only thing I know to do is to continue to protect myself. It's obvious that my husband doesn't think rationally right now. So I choose to protect myself. I'm sending you lot's of hugs as well. I pray it gets better for you.