Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[Bern19]

Hey Bern, how are things going?

Ok, well guess I have nothing to lose at this point.

So I had been working on my GAL, and detachment without seeing any visible results in her behavior. I knew that it was going to take time, so I didn't let her indifference phase me and just kept trying. Like most LBH's I failed and had more setbacks than I'd like, but finally began to feel a bit more in control of myself. Had a couple IC sessions with a pastor from a local church that deals with marital issues, including infidelity. His methods were to pursue, love, etc. He advised that I buy a book that a Kirk Cameron Movie was based on and "dared" me to love my wife, so I did. On Day #3, I left work early to surprise my wife at home with a gift which was that day's dare. Came home quietly to surprise her and as soon as I got into the house I heard the unmistakable sound of two people having sex in my dining room. Same co-worker that she was texting years ago. Same guy that I've suspected for some time now. I was in shock and just stood there listening (wish I'd not done that now). After they finished, I snapped out of it and just walked out the door. They didn't even know I had been there. Looking back, I wish I'd have just busted in on them just to see her reaction. Because when I confronted her later that night, she was emotionless. I'm pretty sure she actually said. "well, I guess I'm sorry". My head was spinning though, so that could've been me imagining things. When it was clear she wasn't going to talk about it with me, I left and drove to OM's house and confronted him. Told him to leave my wife alone, and if he ever talks to her again that I would tell his wife. By the time I had gotten home, they had already been in touch per my wife. She claims he texted her and said that "I was right, and it was over". I facebook messaged his wife anyway since he ignored my request to leave my wife alone.

So, the OM's wife contacted me the next afternoon. She said she told her husband that she had received an odd facebook message from a stranger (me), so he confessed everything to her. She wanted me to know that he has committed to fixing their marriage and that he won't be talking to my wife anymore.. My wife is devastated that he's dropped her, and blames me for the whole thing. Said it's my fault and that all my accusations pushed her into it. I wish I could say I did all the right things, but like most LBH's I spent the first couple days playing the "pick me" game. I still seem to have issues with sticking to the plan long term, but each stretch gets longer and the "down" time is getting shorter.

She claims that the affair is over, that he won't even make eye contact with her. She is obviously going through withdrawal. We have only talked about things a few times as I know she isn't ready to be honest with me, and I don't want to discuss it until she ready to be truthful. I'm guessing that will happen if she hits bottom and decides that she wants to be with me. Right now she claims it's only been going on for a few months, but putting some pieces of the puzzle together, I believe it's been well over 2 years now. My biggest issue right now is that while he dumped her for his wife, I'm pretty sure had he picked my wife, she'd have gone with him. So the fact that they work together and have access to each other every day, I wonder what happens when he decides that he misses what he had with my wife and they try to strike up a "friendship" again and just make sure they are more discreet than before.

She says she doesn't want to split apart our family, but it's clear she considered our marriage dead and over in order to justify her tryst. She's not sure she can trust me and that I'll just go back to my emotional abandonment and leave her vulnerable again. We went to MC this weekend and it was clear she isn't ready to reconcile. She doesn't feel she's ready to talk about it, and really would rather not even have to. She even said that she just wants to close the book on this chapter of our life an move on. I know that without a major transformation in our MR, it will just be a matter of time before she is back with him or with the next co worker that takes a fancy to her.

In spite of it all, I still do love my wife and don't want to drag my family through a divorce if it can be avoided. But i'm also certain I'm not interested in just sweeping it under the rug and moving forward with my head down. So, I'll get back to GAL and living my life. As I prove that I can be OK independent of her, maybe she'll snap out of it and start to realize what she is going to lose. Honestly, it'd be nice to see any emotion out of her. This indifference is hard to take.