Seems like the "ILY's" were not so true. If she loved you she wouldn't have gone back to her affair. I'm glad you didn't say ILY2.
After all that she has done to you, you have to be perfect? You can't get emotional and make one mistake or it's back to OM? Give me a break. You deserve better and you'll have it, one way or another.
I didn't even do anything "wrong" and my W went back, more than once. It's not your fault. She made choices.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
This crazy B**** just started her at home job today. I give her props not a bad gig and good money but she is all calling me today like nothing happened yesterday...didn't hear a peep from you after you walked out the door at 11AM. Blowing up my phone all day. I'm actually a bit pis*** at the arrogance not the act. Should I avoid a confrontation? Really want to say go peddle your garbage somewhere else because I'm not having it.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
This crazy B**** just started her at home job today. I give her props not a bad gig and good money but she is all calling me today like nothing happened yesterday...didn't hear a peep from you after you walked out the door at 11AM. Blowing up my phone all day. I'm actually a bit pis*** at the arrogance not the act. Should I avoid a confrontation? Really want to say go peddle your garbage somewhere else because I'm not having it.
I found that when I was angry I got better results, especially early on. I would keep your anger away from her, but let it dictate action. Don't be at her beckon call. Use it to your advantage. Anger sometimes helps with becoming better at DBing and detaching.
lost, hang in there buddy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve i am doing my best me and yes the anger helps. She’s been home drinking and trying her seduction game again. Digging my heels in tonight pray for me. I have to let go even the sex right now.
Your advice always helps.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Update, yes the anger helped fuel my detachment last night. She was trying to cake eat and I walked out the door to run an errand. She was in bed at 7 when I got home.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Update, I have been busy at work the last few days and need to get caught up.
W has been working from home which is West Coast based and keeps her busy until 8PM most days. I have been doing my usual getting home working out and running out for stints in the evening. She keeps asking me where I am going and wants me to be with her most of the time even while she works. Things are going a bit better and she is much happier in her new job. She had expressed for the last few years that her past job/boss was adding to her pattern of abusive relationships and had been looking for an exit to leave for a while.
W has second IC appt today and actually seems excited because the first one worked out well. It only took about three months to get her to start going as she was caught up in a bad cycle not just with A but the drugs and alcohol. This is big for her to want to sort out her feelings, she has never been one to give in to needing/wanting therapy.
We did have a brief outburst earlier in the week regarding her leaving last Sunday and staying out. She said I hurt her bad when I acknowledged the cheating that a friend's BF had done to her and she reacted the wrong way. I briefly said that this can't happen and whatever ideas she has of working things out will come to a halt very quickly.
I know I acted passive aggressively when I high fived the girl at the bar and admitted that, it is something that I must work on.
W did some more opening up last night. It started out about venting about our families and the lack of respect that she gets and at first I was thinking of defending by saying you are the cause of all this and they are only reacting to you. I quickly caught myself and realized that all she was doing was venting and I didn't need in to "fix" what was going on. Phew.I'm getting better because the fixing part usually turns in to a fight.
She then just started dumping her feelings all at once about how relieved she is to be out of her old job..back working at home...being a mom to S14 again...feeling happy again. She went into a brief description about how she doesn't understand how she would just act almost unconsciously, she referenced "both" times and I didn't ask what she was referring to but I was thinking about recent A and one 10 years ago. She said she was running from the pain. W still has a lot of internal pain and issues from the past that she seems to want to sort out but things seem to getting slightly better.
I am approaching all of this with eyes wide open, I am more comfortable in my life now regardless of the outcome but for the meantime relieved that at least W can be there for S14 as he seems relieved as well to have a part of her back. I am doing my best me and hope I will keep moving forward with progress as well as W.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Been getting caught up everyday when I come home W is here and wants me to drink with her. She does use this time to do some opening up and did discuss IC appt yesterday which still seems to be positive. I need to do a better job over having things to do in the evening when she is here. What appeared to be her coming around is looking like covert cake eating. She expressed a lot of emotions this week but announced last night she was going out with friends Sat night. We know what that means.
Not sure if it’s one step forward and one back or more steps back. She is still communicating with OM and was with him last Sunday when she stayed out. I need to be much stronger having been at this so long.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Better weekend I guess. I met a nice bartender at a local restaurant and she recently discovered her exBF was having an affair and has turned her life upside down. We had a chance to talk about our sitches a few times and it was really helpful just to air the dirty laundry. We exchanged numbers and I'm not sure if anything will become of it but it was great just to meet a nice person. I feel like I have been living with a stranger for the last 6 months and someone that just seems to have zero good in her heart right now.
Not sure if what I am doing by expressing interest in someone else is the right thing to do but right now we are just talking and it feels good. I thought about it a lot and realize that I am out working on myself to be the best I can be and I am not going to pass up any opportunities to interact with good people. And man did it clear my head up again, maybe it's the confidence factor...that I can go it alone...I don't need my WW.....I can be independent and she does not control my life.
WW was gone Sat and Sun, OM's birthday and it was so much easier around the house. I didn't feel bad doing my normal routine in the AM....when I am taking care of the house when she is there I feel like I am doing it to pacify her....but in reality I want to live in a clean house....I want my kids to live in a nice house....I want to take care of my kids.
I need to keep this attitude regardless if anything progresses with my new friend. If anything she has just given me new hope that I can move on......I hope this is the start of healthy detachment that can lead me to a happier life.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
After months of limbo and back and forth and extended conversations with lawyer and IC I decided to set my final boundary. I have fully detached and am prepared for moving on with or without WW.
Last night she wanted to be flirty with me and I refused, I am done with that behavior. W decided that she was not in the wrong after her waywardness and that I was disappearing as well without letting her know. She had been drinking again and things got heated. I told her that we needed to sign an agreement about moving forward with separation. After declining and her getting abusive with me I informed her that I have info on her fraudulent insurance claim on her wedding ring that she sold after settlement. I have had enough and I know this is against all rules but I am there.
Initially she was infuriated but after an hour or so of hostility she came to me and started her acknowledgement of wrong and what she needed to do to make things right again. I instilled the final boundary that the A must stop now or I am gone and will press forward. There was a lot of heavy emotion and her acknowledging that she doesn't want to lose me and had been waiting for me to fight. She is afraid that I will not be there for her if she ends A and I could only confirm that I will do my best if she makes that choice but will never know until she ends it and that it will be a long road but would commit if she did.
This morning she asked me to stay home from work and after another IC visit where C confirmed that this boundary needs to be set and enforced because I have gotten to that point where I have detached and can move on. When I got home W was very upset how I could threaten the legal action about the fraud and I told her it was necessary to prove that we are at a crossroads and I will move on if she does not respect me and our marriage. She has been very quiet and we only spoke briefly but I fully intend to defend my actions and ask what her next move is.
I'm sure I will get varied responses but it has been through DBing and reading about codependence and NMMNG that I have been able to find myself again and take my balls back. I will not be disrespected and will be ok either way. I have found a happier life and only find pain and sadness when she cake eats and tries to pull me back. I have become emotionless to her actions and feel like I am just doing it out of habit. I have also told her that I will not engage in an further physical contact if she decides to not end A.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Update, thought this latest move may had backfired. Extreme anger yesterday when I brought up in the AM about insurance fraud. I never did it but did have her agree to look at an initial settlement agreement which is what I really wanted. Last night she became extremely emotional about not wanting to do this and we talked about how we got here.
This may have been a continuation of the previous night where she is realizing that she is losing me and Plan B wants to walk away and move on. We'll see, but she didn't seem too interested in talking anymore about S and kept pushing home the strides she was making and wanting to spend more time with me. Actions I told her, actions...the rest is lip service.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
