Thank you. I did meet up with him in the evening after he put the kids to bed (he lives a quarter mile from me).
He said, as in his text, that we could mediate and then file. Or, we could file and go to court. He said he wasn’t going to screw me over, that I’m going to get at least 50% of the house and other assets, alimony, child support, etc. He said he told his lawyer he values getting it done right and amicably over getting it done fast. I told him I need to think about things and talk to my lawyer and I would get back to him.
I probably should have left it at that but I just felt I had to say more. I told him I don’t want a divorce. That we made a commitment and I’m not quitting. I validated all his reasons for leaving and said I understood where I went wrong and apologized for my part, but I said know we both went wrong in this relationship. He apologized too but said he felt we already tried to make it work, which I disagreed with in that it took him 3 years to tell me how unhappy he was and then another year to explain why, but at that point, the affair had already started. He still stands by his belief that he tried so hard to communicate.
He said that I seem to think he wants the single life or that he doesn’t want to be a full time husband and dad, which he said makes him angry. He said he never wanted to be divorced but that it’s too late for us because he loves me but not as a spouse, though he is still very attracted to me. In the early days of our separation he used to say that he’d probably end up losing me to someone and he’d regret it. I said that to him last night and instead of saying he would he said “I know you think that.”
He then brought up me and other men. He really believes I’m seeing other men because I go out a lot. In his mind, I guess if he would do it then of course wouldn’t I too? He said he’s been waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” I asked what he meant and he said he’s expecting I’ll soon say something like “I have a boyfriend and he’s moving in,” which made me wonder if his interest in filing for divorce got spurred by his fear of the tables being turned. Again I told him I wasn’t sleeping with other men , which he then criticized me and said “Why not? It’s like you’re asexual.” That ties into his crticisms of me being boring in bed.
I didn’t ask what was going on with the OW and if he still talks to her or if she’s reconciled with herH. I didn’t ask if there was a new OW. I don’t feel like he is seeing someone because he had. Den so focused and jealous about what I was doing. Then again, though I had a feeling, I didn’t realize he was having an affair for a year. My Spidey senses are obviously off.
I’ve always felt he was having an MLC, but during this conversation I started to think that maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he just didn’t want to be with me anymore.
When he first moved out he said he still had hope. There were days where he’d say he probably would come back. That in the short term he wasn’t coming back but long term, who knows. Last night he agreed with me when I said no one knows what will happen in the future, but he also said he is never coming back. My heart hurts but I also partly feel I am better off. He didn’t treat me well. That I’m just scared of being on my own so I coming to the known.
I know D doesn’t mean it’s totally over, and I have a few months before it’s finalized. I just feel like maybe I’m delusional thinking there is still hope. In the end, detaching and giving up are probably the best things to do.
