Thank-you FS and DnJ. Gosh this is hard. It is such an emotional roller coaster ride. There are some days when I feel like I’ve got this and other days I just want to hide away and feel sorry for myself. Throughout this sitch, I have avoided the D word and the S word as has my H who up until my SD asked about divorce directly, had been calling it a “break”. I know what he wants...he wants me to continue to love him but be okay with being friends so that he can have a life with someone else free of guilt. That is the timing he wants. He also recently told me that he never talks to me about his feelings because he feels like he has treated me so poorly that he doesn’t have a right to. So is that grasp of reality uncommon because he is not wrong there. He has treated me abysmally when I consider how long he has been leading a “double life” all the while pretending he was more ill than he actually is. Maybe that was the crazy MLC behaviour? I mean, it is pretty crazy to live a lie that long, isn’t it?
I felt pretty low last night. Cried for the first time since day three of me finding out about his secret rental. This was the first time I had heard [of] him talk about divorce in such an absolute way. LIke he is so positive that this is the solution to his problems. All the while he has been talking about self-exploration and figuring himself out. Honestly, I don’t think that is what he is doing at all. I think he is just over there biding his time convinced that he was right all along - that it was being married to me that made him so unhappy and he is just a victim in all of this. I think maybe he just tells me those things so he doesn’t have to deal with me being angry with him. He created a whole separate life in order to avoid that.
Anyway...your responses to my post helped a lot. Thank-you so much. This week I have resolved to significantly step back from contact with him. I need some space to get my head back on straight. I will probably have to journal a lot more. Thankfully my twin sister comes home tomorrow night (she and her husband have been away for a week) so I will have her to talk to. She is ALL about helping me detach.
