Still determined, not as scared

[DnJ]

Good Morning DV6

That sounded like such a nice day. Good food and meals - pancakes, mushrooms, pie. Pleasant and friendly conversation. I understand what you mean by so very normal and not.

You have started to read my past, so this will not be so much a shock.

My very last day with W, the same and last day all the children “had” a Mom, was completely normal, pleasant, good food, and games. Bomb drop happened right after the pie was finished from a wonderful Thanksgiving Day dinner, the bomb thrown into the middle of the dinner table, blowing up nine peoples lives at once.

In that instant she through away everything, the house, the contents, the children, herself. She became cruel and cold in a heartbeat. In that moment, that beat of my heart, mine and my children’s hearts were broken, she further crushed us in the following days.

In the three hours that followed BD, she let go of her once stable reality and grasped on to her new one. She told us about OM, her affair, her willingness to risk never seeing her kids again for her chance at happiness, the IDLY speech was delivered with a certain smugness, and she left to go live with OM - an item I believe her and OM forgot to discuss since they had to explain to his son about his new “mom” living with them the next day. Her transformation was complete.

Her dramatic exit and grand proclamation was formalized 2 months later, with “her” separation agreement. She did throw away everything - kids, house, all contents and belongings, cars, dogs, pension, support, bank accounts - she through it all away. She left with most of her clothes, a bathroom scale, and a single coffee mug from the thrift store (honest 75 cents) - she was quite adamant that our, kids and myself, lack of knowledge that this was her favourite mug was proof of how bad things are. I am still absolutely dumbfounded!

That is how it appeared from my side. I have gathered her sinking into this MLC madness took a while, not the instant we all saw. She has been uphappy for 2, 5,15 years according to her - an obvious rewriting of history and a poor estimation of the length of her suffering, her pain, her slow descent, her becoming someone else.

So I have a question about my sitch. When I read about MLCrs on peoples threads, they all sound really crazy to me. I feel like my H is in some sort of crisis and that it started four years ago. But he has never done anything crazy like gamble excessively, buy a hot car (although he did get the boat he has always wanted which he will most likely not be able to afford to keep if we D) or have any affairs (that I know of).

So for those of you who have read my sitch, do you think this is MLC? Or is this a guy who just doesn’t want to be married anymore?

My situation is a bit extreme, even for here.

So does my situation sound like MLC? Or a women who just doesn’t want to be married anymore?

It is both.

MLC is caused by a psychological pain that drives a person to some very poor behaviours in an effort to escape whatever demons are tormenting them. They are absolutely driven, they need to do this, even though they know how wrong it is, how much pain they will cause themselves and others. Their internal pressure is immense, so enormous they blow up their lives in an attempt to out run their past.

There are some hallmarks.

Confusion of the new and “better” life conflicting with the old and “better” life. A lot of this confusion is hidden from anyone, they do not understand what is happening to them, it is seemly beyond their control, they are going mad, not many hurt and emotionally unhealthy people will reach out for help when experiencing this.

Running behaviours will be exhibited and usually a living in the past or extremely different personality will take them over. They truely become a different person. I have seen and spoken with three other versions of my W. She is a 7, 14, or 18 year old - depending on what is going on. The 47 year old women has not been seen since last November, except for the phone call to S20 on the anniversary of BD and Thanksgiving Day (Canada one is October), she was talking to him during that call - according to S20. All the kids have seen and spoken to the different people inside her. I am 51 and I have not seen much else that is as strange as that. I do not blame anyone who does not, will not, or simply refuses to believe what I say. Her irrational behaviour, her changes, it borders on insanity. It is absolutely incredible.

Lots of changes in spending, friends, sleeping partners, activities, may occur. They are trying to find a cure, a “fix” to the pain. Some do not exhibit many changes, others try everything.

Some stay, some leave - boomerang to vanisher, and anywhere in between. My W is a vanisher, I have no idea what she is doing, she has no contact with me, and very very little with her children. She is one very lost soul. I have heard she is frequenting going to concerts, perhaps a reliving of something she didn’t get to do in her youth. Who can say. Even they do not understand what and why they do what they do.

They will blame everyone and everything for their problems. They really cannot handle any more pressure. Their fragile and broken emotions and mind cannot be wrong, they just can’t be. Try to compassionately remember this. In all their blamefull ramblings, deep down they know, they just can’t admit it, not even to themselves.

I will stop here.

To me it looks like you are looking for understanding, some clues as to his behaviour. I remember those days, I prayed for some validation of what was going on. It was so difficult trying to realize the unbelievable truth of all this. I so wanted validation, I understood that MLC is not clinically diagnosed, and barely even recognized. I did not know anything about this world until I was thrown into it, and most LBS do not stay around to figure things out or openly speak of what is happening.

I will offer you my opinion. The gift of a straight answer.

Do I think your H is in MLC? Yes

Do I think he wants out of the marriage? At times yes. At times no.


MLC is a terrible beast which has taken your husband. It was born within him long ago and it all about him and has nothing to do with you. Where this goes is unknown. He may leave, he may not. He will run for a while, eventually he may face his demons and battle them down or he may not. I am sorry the straight answers are exceedingly rare with MLC.

Your H is severely depressed and will see things usually in terms of absolutes , negatives, and in darker shades. Things like “You never really loved me”, “I’ve always felt insignificant around your relatives”, for example.

He will mostly follow a script of sorts, one they all seem to share.

You, dear DejaVu, need to give him time and space, exert no pressure on him, and most importantly look after yourself. You have heard it before - focus and protect you and your kids, detach, let go, and keep moving forward.

This is very possible. One can become indifferent towards the love of their life, to have no feelings to little feelings towards the person you so deeply loved. You can be compassionate and forgiving. You will realize you still love them, only more, conditionally. It is something that until you get there is completely unknowable. The saying, if you love someone set them free - is so true. It is a kindness, a gift to them.

Through all this, there is always hope.

DnJ