First off, thank you all for chiming in during the weekend. I try to stay away and GAL, but I do check in once in awhile, or when something of note has occurred.
I have been struggling lately for the better part of two weeks with my emotions. I now am in full detach mode and it's getting noticed. And I'm caring less and less. When I have an inkling of a positive thought about my W, my mind immediately goes to "She cheated on you and is dating another man while legally married to you, continually disrespects you, and cake eats. She doesn't deserve squat right now". That mindset has been helping me detach more.
I also need to step up my GAL significantly. I have made little friends that are not somehow connected by my W, though I am asking my coworkers about their plans and if they do not mind some company. For now, GAL revolves around:
- LIfting (Solo) - Photography (Solo, maybe with D4 in tow) - Errands (with D4) - Cooking (at home with D4) - Long drives (Solo)
That's about it. I'm trying to find groups in Meetup, but I am not finding anything of interest. I stopped going to the sex classes because everytime I have a thought about it, my mind immediately goes to W and OM and their sexcapades. That kills my drive and desire to learn quick. As a matter of fact, and this is oversharing, I have not been able to satisfactorily take care of myself because my mind goes towards that direction, I get sad and lose interest, and I end up feeling worse.
I started going to an NGS support group. My first session was today. Too early to tell how it's going to go. I explained my sitch to them and I was met with acknowledgement. So the support group is going to be a process.
Holiday plans are starting to be formed. And I have some thoughts on how I want to handle it. I am strongly leaning towards refusing all gifts from W. I am not going to acknowledge her birthday, our anniversary (hah) and going to ask that my birthday not be celebrated. It was a joke last year so soon after BD and from the way I have been treated lately I do not want to continue to have a BS celebration just for the sake of W "being nice".
I am distancing significantly from W's friends. I have no trust in them at all. I know that when it comes to WW and their actions there is nothing the friends can do, but I just still continue to feel betrayed, especially by her best friend, who I bailed out of jail a few months ago after what I likely have determined to be a veiled guilt trip (she's good) by my W.
I wonder if these feelings are of true detachment. I am living the "no expectations" mantra now. It just feels like the support I need are online, a scheduled appointment, my mother, or someone who is somehow connected to W.
This is going into 2019. I have surrendered to this fact. The only solace I will have is that I will be a better person than I was at that point last year.
Question for you all: When W is so involved with OM's friends and children, how should I handle it? Is she just that deep into her own fog? I know it's not good at all, but hopes for a happy ending dwindle each day. This would just be another pin that gets knocked down.
