She removed several pictures of her and me, which hurt my feelings, but I did not mention it.
Good!
The WW and LBH are emotionally disconnected. The H tends to watch his W's reaction to almost everything said & done. My advice to you is to keep a poker face. She's not going to make any decisions based on your feelings, anyway. That may sound cold, but the WW is cold. This is not the same girl that you married.
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Am I throwing in the towel at this point?
What does that mean? Does it mean you stop pursuing her? Does it mean you stop trying to persuade her to change her mind? Does it mean you stop acting desperate? She knows you don't want a D. She knows she has hurt you. She has a mind of her own. You didn't give up...….she did. You didn't throw in the towel...….she did.
One of the biggest mistakes that H's make after the OM has dumped the WW, is allowing her to simply continue living with him......without requiring anything from her. Some H's think if the affair is over, then they can pick up where ever the MR left off. The WW would love those options! She doesn't want to be remorseful, responsible, accountable, or do any emotional hard work on her end. If the H "plays happy family" with her without requiring total transparency, MC, etc...…...it will only be a matter of time until things will fold. Why, b/c she is basically cake eating whenever she doesn't have to do the necessary work to help repair the damage she's caused. It's one thing if she is willing to do whatever is necessary...….but it's entirely another thing to just continue on as though nothing has happened. Make sense?
Until the house sells, my suggestion is that you don't discuss your feelings with her. If she wants to talk, then you listen. If you don't hear a very humble apology, and you don't see any change in her attitude toward you......then chances are she is holding out for OM. If the family eats together, then I suggest you try to have a pleasant atmosphere for the sake of the children. If you are watching tv with the kids, and the W joins, then fine. But for just the two of you to spend time watching tv together, or sharing much of anything else apart from the kids...makes a loud statement that you are okay with her. It gives her the message that you will settle for whatever she decides to give. That's why she is still voicing how she has no feelings for you, and how she wants to live on her own, etc. She is pretty sure that your feelings for her have not changed. Why do you suppose she senses that you want to keep the MR?
Don't tell her what you want, or even what you would need if the MR resumes......unless she seriously asks what it would take. If she goes to you and asks what she needs to do to make things right, then tell her what you need (whatever it is),.......and add that you'll need her willingness to be completely transparent (on your terms) and to cooperate with a MC. She can't dictate the terms, b/c she is the one who betrayed the MR. It will take time for her feelings to match her actions, but if she is "willing" to do the work, it can happen. It's not easy for the WW to agree, and she may accuse you of trying to control, having no privacy, etc. Well, that's too bad. If she wants a M with you, then she's got to forfeit privacy privileges until you decide she no longer has a hidden agenda. That usually takes 2-3 years, based on the accounts I've read.
Remember, you are not the cheater. Don't think by you agreeing to compromise with her will cause her to do the right thing or have the right feelings toward you. It won't.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
