What an awesome sounding Halloween. An award too! I am sure the throng of people participating in your little house of horrors was reward enough. Still, congratulation on formal recognition from the city. That would have been a nice visit to have.
You next visit, I agree, not so nice. I don’t mean the bailiff, they are only doing their job. The true visit is from exW.
I total understand what you are saying regarding child support, exW’s choices, the unbalance of all this, and the frustration.
Here, my W quit even speaking about child support. She was shocked she would have help out financially to raise her own children. After speaking with her L, who told her he does want to see her anymore, she was told yes you owe DnJ child support. She didn’t accept that, she even called my L to inquire, he gave her the same answer and a warning that he cannot speak with her, DnJ is my client.
For three months she tried, promised, even saw her accountant a couple of times, to get her income figures, so we could atleast see where she is on the chart. The fourth month she just quit talking to me and has been silent since.
I, like you, have children in post secondary education (S20 & S17) and D16 is also planning on a similar path (S21 works on farm driving semi - phew! Money is tight enough). I pay for everything, just as you stated, food, clothing, medical, all the necessities. I do believe that the amount I would receive from W would be rather small, less than your’s, even with my four children, her income from grass cutting I am guessing is not very high. She did work at the hospital, stead job, benefits, pension - ah who needs that! She quit or was fired, not sure. She didn’t like not being able to come and go as she pleased. Her income tax for this year should be pretty interesting, I think she has worked at over twenty different places (she is still working at some of them).
I lead a work force, my views and actions can inspire or extinguish those individuals. I coach and mentor each of them based on where they are and what their needs are; and I hold them accountable for their actions. I have great success and a loyal crew. However this only works because they are healthy stable individuals and they want to be there, listen, accept, and learn.
Our MLCer spouses are not!
I total see the principle of the matter. For my case, W’s income I believe is small. If interest from her lump sum settlement payment is not included as income, I am pretty sure she we not even break the threshold for child support payments. I am considering sending a demand for her income statement after the new year, just to see, to find out what is going on. She is legally obligated to keep me apprised of her income and changes with it. Another item she doesn’t like or wants to do - so she hasn’t.
I do think she needs some accountablility. I am not going to receive much money in any case. I also do not want to have any involvement with any future financial ruin she made be facing. If she ends up on the street, in poverty, I will have had no direct hand in pushing her there. Hence my letting things go and not demanding any payment. Besides she is one mixed up person.
I do still believe I would offer a helping hand to her if she was in need. I am not sure of what form it would be or take, less financial and more tangible is my idea. Throwing money at her will not help and would just keep her there. It doesn’t really matter right now, she has to want the help first.
In your particular situation I do agree with the principle of the matter. Your exW had a good job and made payments according to the agreement. She also settled and dissolved the marriage differently then my W. The state she finds herself currently in, is not of your making. Yes she can and should apply for a review of the amount she pays. You have responded accurately and honestly, I would have expected nothing less from you.
You are correct $75 vs $47. No big deal - You’re right, you know you don’t need it. I am sure you have the financial part of you and your two daughters lives figured out (much like myself).
The small threat of sending her the bills for the extras, the part that both parties are to pay 50/50. Yes, I get it. I have those arrangements too.
Irish, you didn’t send her bills when she was better able to afford it. Why not? A better question is: So why do it now?
What changed? Her life sounds worse, working at a lesser paying job, lesser responsibilities, and lesser satisfaction. She still does not see the girls. She is still lost.
So what changed? Perhaps you. She has been stirring stuff up lately. It was probably a lot better when she was totally vanished. Something is going on with her and she is poking and prodding. Remember she is still in that cursed tunnel, lost in darkness, trapped in MLC. This has been, and still is, all about her! Just let it go, again.
Now the irony of me trying to give adivce to you is not lost on me. You are well ahead of where I am, and are dealing with situations that I may have to face someday. For the moment I am spared. I watch, learn, and work out how I would like to respond when my own trials / tests arrive.
For the record I fully believe you have are doing a fantastic job. I am trying to live up to, achieve, some gold standard in all this. To live the best I will be. As such I listen to many viewpoints and take what I can from each and apply it to my life. That is what I am offering to you. An other viewpoint, maybe based more on a compassionate view not yet jaded by as of yet future events.
Yes, your exW is still very much a determined passanger on the victim train. She does not see, want, or acknowledge the fact that she needs help.
You are the one that sees clearly and responds kindly to her actions, even when she doesn’t deserve it. Stay risen above all this, you know you could make her life a lot worst. Take the higher road, protect what you need to, and let her be.
I greatly admire you Irish, you’ve done one heck of a good job!
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
