[Living]

I’m new to this site but I suspect that my H is in a full blown midlife crisis.

Here’s a brief overview of what I’m dealing with:

Last year he seemed to change out of no where. He told me he was not attracted to me, told me he was not happy, told me he was not in love with me. Then I found out he was having an affair with a young co-worked. He was 41 and she was 26. Of course he denied the fair in the beginning but he eventually came clean. She just made him feel alive again...blah blah blah.

I told him he couldn’t be with her and met at the same time so he needed to leave. He said ok and started looking for apartments. Then one day he decided he made a mistake and wanted to stay, he cut things off with her. She started doing crazy stuff and even faked like she was pregnant by him. She turned out to have not been the special gift that he though my she was. Of course there is a lot more but I’m trying to make this as short as I possibly can.

So we decide to work on our marriage post affair. We buy a house and I get to work on all the things he claims let go the affair. Prior to the affair, we weren’t being intimate. I can admit that I was the cause of that. I can admit that I wasn’t available to my husband sexually. But I don’t take blame for him having an affair because he could have made a different choice. So...we buy a house and move past the affair. I dealt with the pain of the affair and the visions of someone sleeping with my husband. But I went into full save my marriage mode. Which means I pulled myself together and tried to forget the affair.

Meanwhile he was being very transparent in an effort to rebuild the trust. He seemed to feel regretful for his infidelity. Things seemed to be getting so much better. We seemed so happy. I even checked in with him periodically to see if we were on the right track. I wanted to keep the communication strong. I wanted him to tell me if he was feeling unhappy or if there were things we needed to work on. He would always say, he was happy with the way things were going. Our sex life improved and all seemed well.

Then a couple of months ago he had to go out of town for work. A 2 week work trip turned into a 6 week work trip. While away his work trip seemed more like a paid vacation rather than work. He was site seeing, going to the beach, hanging out with co-workers, oh he was having a blast. Meanwhile, I was back at home with all the responsibilities. I told him how much I missed him and he said he missed me to. But I slowly got the feeling something wasn’t right. It made me sad, very sad.

When he got home from that trip, I could tell he was distant. So I told him such. At first he tried to play it off. I thought maybe it was because he was tired because he had been working a lot. But something in my gut said there was more to it. So I pressed. And he hit me with the yes he was distant. While he was away in Hawaii he was happy. I told him that it seemed like he didn’t want to come home. He told me that he almost didn’t want to come home. I said I guess not since your only responsibility there was to get up and go to work. Then the rest of the day you were free to have a blast.

He went on to say he wasn’t sure what was going on with him. That maybe he was just tired. Then a few weeks later he hit me with the, I’m not happy. I feel like I’m missing something. He said Hawaii gave him time to think about that. We spent our 11th wedding anniversary partially talking about his unhappiness. I cried, he cried. I’ve only seen my husband cry 1 time and that was at his father’s funeral. He said he was confused and lost and that he wanted me to be patient with him. He didn’t mention a divorce he just said he needed time to figure things out. I said ok.

Then a couple of weeks later he stays home from work and we go out to lunch. While at lunch a song comes on the radio. He chuckles. I ask what’s so funny, he gives me some BS explanation. When we got home, his “work” phone lights up on the table. The work phone is how he communicated with his former mistress, so it’s definitely a sore spot. I look at the message and it’s from some female. I confront him and he says she’s a friend. Well turns out he met this chick at a bar in Hawaii. She’s going through a divorce and he told her that he was married but unhappy. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that. Keep in mind he didn’t tell me he was unhappy until he got back from Hawaii. So that means he told her before he told me. Apparently when he met her he told her if he decides to make a move, he may come see her.

So that day that she text him and I saw it, he initiated that. He text her to tell her that he was out to eat and the song that was playing in he bar when he met her came on the radio. He said that made him think of her so he text her. I’m pissed as you may imagine and I tell him I’m done. He goes into the whole I’m sorry I was wrong I shouldn’t have done that but you know I’m unhappy.

So here’s where we are now...he’s unhappy...he feels like he’s missing something...he’s lost...he’s confused...he needs to go find happiness. He’s not sure what that will be. He’s not sure what that will look like but he just knows he can’t stay with me. He just told me a few days ago that he loves me but he has fallen out of love with me. That broke me down. I’ve tried to ration with him and make him realize what he’s about to throw away. When I tell you we had an amazing marriage and that he has been an awesome husband, I’m being honest. It truly feels like out of the blue last year, he changed. I don’t know the person he is now.

Now here is the kicker...he’s told me all the above but still wants to have sad with me. Still tells me he loves me everyday. Says he misses me (we are sleeping in separate rooms) and still wants to touch all over me. I have cut his tail clean off. He’s getting nothing from me. And now he’s relentless in pursuing me. He can’t understand why we can’t still have sex. Just last night he said, you’re still my wife and I love you, why can’t we have sex. I rejected him and told him to to his room. He begged and pleaded like a little kid. WTF? Like how is it possible to not be in love with someone and be ready to move on with your life but act this way. It’s so freaking weird. But I’m staying strong, I’m not giving into temptation. But I will admit it’s so confusing. I don’t know what’s wrong with him or who he is anymore. He hasn’t asked me for a divorce but said eventually he’s leaving. He went to go visit my daughter at college yesterday and she asked him was he sure he wanted a divorce and he told her yes. He’s never communicated that to me. Just last night while he was begging, he said I haven’t asked you for a divorce yet. Like Hugh? This is so weird. Has anyone here ever been through this? My husband is constantly giving me mixed signals and it’s nuts.

Sorry for the lengthy post.