Introduction

[TJT]

Journaling

I woke up feeling even crazier this morning. Very sad, wishing I could just message him and tell him how much I love him and want him to come home and just love each other!! Not even thinking about doing it, I just hate the feeling..

Also thinking crazy things like maybe I should try to engage with him in ways that make him feel needed, just to at least create the opportunity to show him any changes. Like asking if he can help with something with the house, but not in a desperate way...

I’m just feeling SUPER helpless and SUPER sad and fighting things hard today. Feeling like if don’t create an opportunity there will be none. The cycle of emotions has kicked back up as my brain went crazy again after what I learned yesterday. I made the mistake of going back and looking at our text messages from a year ago and remembered there was a time around then he was asking for “space”. Again there is a ton of proof of me trying to be supportive and tell him I love him and want him to be happy, etc. We had loving exchanges between the both of us. It seemed he was excited about our house being built. And yet there are also many examples of him working late, me asking if we could do something together, etc. So I feel even more confused and sad about what the hell went wrong and feeling like we could still be together if I just knew WHY he felt there was no other way!

I have plans to GAL today and it’s been really hard to drag myself out of bed this morning and feel excited about it. But I am still going to try. I just want off this roller coaster. I want to be happy again and loved again.