A new mindset for Burned. This is thread 7.

[burned]

In the end I have to call this a journaling post because it’s not really useful aside from that.

Last night I went to sleep thinking hopeful thoughts. I thought, maybe the silence means she’s rethinking things. Probably not. I can hope, but I’m trying to ignore the expectations.

This morning she texts to ask about some minor irrelevant form she got in the mail. Then she asks “How are you doing?” First temp check in a month. So I took the bait. In the end all she wanted was to talk about dividing finances. It’s all she ever worries about. In fact it’s probably the reason she didn’t leave a year ago when the A began. To think that she kept me around, strung me along, just for that... Anyway, the rest of the texts were all business, no emotion. She’s dead-set on doing this. Actually I took a break from writing this and thought to myself, it almost seems like we’re both DBing each other, like, playing a game of chicken to see who will back down first. Like neither of us wants this but neither of us wants to be the one to “admit defeat”? Weird dynamic. I will admit that I’m handling it better than I would have a couple months ago. For example, just now I thought about asking her why, if she took down all of the little tchotchkes that remind her of me, and put them all in a box...why did she keep that one specific thing, a very meaningful wedding gift from my sister, and leave it in a very obvious visible place next to her favorite things? She’s trying to get rid of me but she intentionally put that there where she can see it. Or was it to manipulate me? No idea. But I just now almost texted her to ask about it, since I really don’t have much to lose. But then that would be pursuit, and it would be a setback, and she would immediately freak out...and IF anything I do is going to make a difference in her heart, it’s that I’m not pursuing.

Every time I think I’m almost detached, then something happens that makes me realize I was only at 20% or something. I need to be more patient, and I know there are people who have gotten through this even when they thought all was lost. Well, if it’s about my own survival, all is NOT lost. But I feel fairly certain that W will not be a part of my life for very much longer. And that’s sad. I’m trying to reframe this as HER loss, but it won’t feel that way until I get my confidence back.

GAL last night was board games, we played a game called Citadels. Then some dice games and card games. For some reason it didn’t cheer me up the way I was hoping it would.

Today I left the apartment to go to the local farmers market. More reminders of her and what we used to do together. So now I’m going for a drive to a nearby town just to have a change of scenery. At least I’m not in bed. Might go see my parents but that’s a 2-hour drive.

When I woke up this morning I had a strange feeling. “What if I’m stuck like this?” Pretty scary. At least then I realized that I can’t be stuck like this and it’s on me to do something about it. So I started reading The Happiness Advantage. There are some interesting ideas in there. I’m going to have to just try again and start putting in the effort to change my mindset. There are going to be a lot more moments and interactions with W like the one this morning, and I need to be emotionally prepared so that I don’t go off the rails every time. I mean, the way I am now, if that had happened on a weekday it would have destroyed my productivity for the rest of the day. At least it’s a weekend and I have time to go home and “lick my wounds” so to speak.

I’m still very appreciative of the kind words and encouragement from people here. I think that’s part of what keeps me going. Today I’m going to re-read my posts and remind myself of all the positive things people have said. Especially because I can already think of at least 3 things I just wrote that we’ve already covered in the past. But I’m transitioning into a newer, uglier phase. Just more and more irreparable damage. I want to be optimistic, but with the changing of the clocks, colder weather, no signs of improvement in the sitch (primarily due to my own inaction) I’m anticipating a pretty dark season approaching. Doesn’t help that it has been raining all week.

Anyway, not trying to be a downer but I realize that I am. Just writing this to document this part of my “journey.” You’re all telling me that someday I’ll be able to look back in time and realize how much better my life has become. I don’t know what that will look like, but the sooner the better. I like the idea that someday I’ll have the opportunity to try again, to live a happy life with the companionship of another person. But I have no idea how long it will be if/when that happens. So in the meantime I’ll try to hold on to a tiny little piece of hope that W might want to reconcile. And I’ll start working harder at acting like she’s really, truly gone.

“Crawling through broken glass in a raging inferno,” I like that. That’s a good description.