Introduction

[TJT]

Thanks Steve & Acc.

An interesting "advancement" has occurred since my last post. I am still able to see my husband's online calendar (we shared them a long time back). As the calendar flipped to November, I opened it on my phone today and noticed later this month an entry that says, "1 year, HOLY S***!!!!!".

I couldn't figure out what would be 1 year ago from a date in November this year, or why the reaction would so emphatic in any case. We were in the middle of building our house so I know it wasn't a job anniversary (and again the reaction wouldn't seem to match if that was it). Pretty sure he wasn't a drug addict going 1 year sober. Of course I had an inkling as to what it was, but I said to myself, let's scroll back to one year ago and see what was there on the calendar.

And guess where I was???

On a business trip. Definitely not home.

I think I found my anger.

I feel like some people won't think this really changes much, but for me it gives a valuable new perspective, having an additional piece of validation (feels stupid to even call it that) that this really WASN'T just a short-term thing (which I suspected but didn't know for how long). And then, now knowing how long, that it was happening exactly at the times where I was trying to ask my H what was wrong...and to please come sleep in the room with me...writing him long letters telling him how much I wanted to choose him even if we don't always get along...asking him if he was sure he wanted to go through with the house if he felt unhappy and him completely downplaying and acting like if we still were having problems in 5 years it would be more of an issue. Going on our anniversary dinner a month from that date last year only to have him texting almost the entire time. (He told me it was people at work needing something from him...now I can just imagine him texting his hussy and joking about what a terrible time he must be having with his miserable wife at dinner)..

My mother suggested he dragged it out to take advantage of me and the extra money it afforded him during this time. But we ended up both deciding that didn't make sense because ALL the money he was saving by being with me he totally, 100% LOST in the house. It completely cleared out the savings that was completely in an account only under his name! So WHY would he do that?? It leaves more questions.

But I feel like it answers a few, too. This is a man who had time realize if his escapade was just something he would feel bad about later. He had time to try to work on things with me if he really wanted, while I was clearly trying, and he chose not to. Granted, seems like it wasn't a full time relationship for a full year (unless I'm seriously WAY more blind than I thought) - but if it was so much ongoing/serious, and if they both seemed so sure that they really didn't want to be with their respective SOs (vs. wanting the best of both worlds) you would think at LEAST with something as major as a house that my H would have found even some other excuse to not go forward with it. I mean I had practically opened up the conversation for him to back out of it myself!!

Part of me wonders if despite his attitude and what he's saying NOW, if he really did question his side relationship the whole time and that's the reason for the ambivalence.

I know nobody will ever know but him. And regardless, it has prompted me to say wow... to your point Steve...there is definitely much of this, probably more than I even thought, that is NOT me (and I say that as responsibly as possible).

And I have further questioned myself, even if he came back to me right at this moment... whether I even know enough about this man to be able to be confident in MY capacity to "re-marry" him. It seems he would have to completely change as a PERSON. This has made me feel like this is more of a personal flaw in how he handles life than just a fleeting phase in his identity. I want to think the latter but that's because I don't want it to be true.

I feel like this has given me a good knock on the head to show that I am possibly holding on to hope that, while perhaps it exists, is SO small, and SO unlikely, that it will only do me more harm than good and is just fooling myself to keep "leaning" on it and holding myself in limbo while he's clearly doing whatever.

I have validated to myself that the only reason I have not filed for D myself is because I haven't let him go. Yet as a result of this information, I WANT to more than ever. The logical side of me is tailing my every move, wondering when I will have enough. I just question whether I can actually let go without actually filing for D - it falls absolutely in line with what you are saying, Acc, that I don't feel like I could really give him that space until I've ACTUALLY moved on and don't want the marriage anymore. I don't see myself being able to truly GAL and move on not caring or thinking about him in relation to my actions until we are not actually married anymore. Because that's the NORMAL way to think, right?? And yes it's ironic because we all know that he obviously thinks absolutely nothing about that annoying detail... and apparently neither does his gal pal!!

So after all of this I went into a reactive spiral of anger, almost immediately going to file online and thinking of how I could let him know that I know. Text him and just tell him to call me so I can say it straight up?? Wish him happy anniversary on the day he has on the calendar?? Don't worry - I realized just as quickly that was NOT the answer. He doesn't care. And as much as I want to call him out and "prove" myself to him, I've learned my lesson at this point that - as Accu has said - it will only re-validate his own story line.

But then I thought to myself, do I care????

I feel like that thought and feeling alone (albeit a shaky, fleeting one) was a great first step toward actually letting go/detaching that I haven't had up to this point.

Regardless, I did realize that whether I care or not (i.e. whether I want to try to "change his mind" or keep DBing or not), putting my energy into letting him know would not be worth it. I mean, HE already knows what he's done. He will go to his grave with it all. And if I don't matter then I don't matter. Whether I care that I matter to him or not doesn't make a difference.

All that being said, I still don't know if I should wait longer for some reason. I certainly don't want to waste my time knowing what I know and that there's already been much more time passed than I thought, but also circumstances have changed in our relationship more recently causing some major shifts obviously that he hasn't had to deal with before.

I don't know if that's just another excuse to keep serving my own glimmers of hope as described earlier, or something really worth holding out on. I know nobody has that answer, but I'm just feeling the chances seem pretty slim and rather than thinking of this as something he might "snap out of", I am more starting to think of it as "maybe this is just WHO HE IS", that I couldn't see before, and obviously it would be unreasonable to think anything I do would ever change that - just like you all have said.

Basically yeah, I don't want to sabotage the potential opportunity to GAL and turn this around...but if it's also possible, and seems more likely, that nothing I do will matter, then even if it still hurts I can't help but wonder if I just need to file, push through the pain it causes me, and call it a day. Up to now I have sort of felt like not filing for D would make it easier for him to change his mind, but if he doesn't seem to think anything of being married to me right now, that logic doesn't make sense. And if he were ever to change his mind later, then NOT still being married to me would similarly not matter to him in attempting to reconcile. Why should I be afraid of just doing it then? Clearly I am expecting him to be thinking about this in a "healthy" way with more sensibility in which me filing for divorce would mean more to him. But that's simply not the case, point blank. And in this case I even would ask, if filing for D would HELP potentially turn it around, if it would seem like an action in his mind that shows I am moving on. But I fear it will also simply validate his own story and feel better about it all if he can tell himself "see, she wants a D finally too, phew!"

I am 100% afraid of letting him go because of ME, not him, and what you've said Acc . I know that once I make that decision to "stop trying" if you will, it may be the nail in the coffin. Part of me thinks that would be fantastic. The other part of me hates the thought of giving up and feeling like neither of us really "won", as seems to be the case with most Ds. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to be someone who can act "as if". I am disappointed in that but I honestly feel like it can get unhealthy at some point to continue trying to "act" than to actually be.

Ultimately, I really am leaning more strongly toward filing sooner rather than later. But I wholeheartedly admit that it will still upset me and that it's still not what I feel I truly want the outcome to be. Yet, in summary, I know sometimes the best choice is not always the one we like. I just want to hear from you all what difference any of this makes from your perspective... and hopefully get a little sleep before re-evaluating this in the morning.

Happy weekend...