Updating...W said she was going out with work team for HH then to bosses house for Halloween party. She sent a picture of her and her girls at HH and called on her way home from party....that she couldn't drive from for obvious reasons so her GF got her home.
I will admit the last two weeks have been different, W has been more open about plans and whereabouts, has not spent a night out, been more open with me and has her first IC appointment tomorrow.
I'm not doing cartwheels but appreciate the effort, she has still been drinking at a level that I think is a problem but is taking at least the first steps to helping herself medically and mentally and is not uncomfortable being at home or around me as before.
This is strange for me....I do feel different....3 or 4 months ago I would be falling all over her, but now I am still doing me. I'm not that easy this go round to jump back in, I have done too much work and will protect that and my kids. I still have my GAL plans but do still like spending time with W...but I keep telling myself no expectations, long way to go.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
lost8, I like that you are taking this with a grain of salt. And I do not want to give you false hope, but when my W first starting giving up her rebellion against the MR, this was the thing she started doing. Checking in, keeping me informed of her plans. And I never requested or demanded this, she just started doing it of her own volition.
So yes, this is a very good sign.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hope is a good thing Steve....and I didn't ask for any of this from her either. W has shown some self awareness and some things that have made her unhappy about herself are being addressed. I am doing the same and feel better about myself for doing so.
I appreciate all of your support, it helps to have a road map that has shown it can be successful because it is very hard in the beginning as a LBS.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Update...W continuing to check in with plans, current events etc with zero prodding. Work drama is through the roof and she was out on a bender last night but has kept in touch with me. Has her first IC visit scheduled this AM so I have my fingers crossed that it will be the beginning of something positive for her. She is scared but knows this is about her...not us, she seems ready to open up about her troubled past.
Still self medicating as I have realized that in the last 13 days she has been drinking considerably for 11 of those days that I am aware of. And we know the last 5 months has been much of the same.
Well that is her update and I hope for the best for her, but my sitch is going better than expected. No anxiety about her being away, S14 and I went out to eat last night, he came home to do homework and I stopped in a new local watering hole to meet some friends. Not one conversation or comment about wives, sitches, etc. Also had long conversation with brother who is across country about things that I have planned in the next few months. Coming to his wedding in Vegas in Dec, getting motorcycle license and bike in 2019, career advancement that has been put off due to not taking chances and staying safe for benefit of wife. Very excited about the future and being happy.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Update...W made it to first IC appt and was very happy. Has serious trust issues with opening up to anyone about current and past trauma and this was a big step for her to be comfortable talking to someone.
W has been in touch all day for the past week or so and I am not being chatty but responding as needed to let her know I am listening. She was home last night and we spent some good time together and had fun just being home. The past 5 months she felt home was toxic, didn't want to be there and reasoned that that is why she was always out. Now she wants to be home and has been....she is showing signs of wanting R.
This is the tricky part I guess in how I react and respond to her. I am getting the requests to listen to songs and hearing her pleas of being sorry, etc. I am not discussing A which shows no signs of still ongoing, actually I am not ready to address yet. It sounded like she is discussing a lot of things in IC already including us which I think is too soon as well but if that is in the forefront of her pain then that is a 180 for her.
She is throwing the ILYs around and I am validating but am not ready to return. I am continuing some GAL activities and passive communication throughout the day but what about the detachment, if she is pursuing now what is the best way to approach? Do I tell her that this is will not happen overnight, too much has happened this time, not sure what things will be like, etc etc?
I am hoping IC will give her some guidance in her next steps but I just want to continue doing me but want to make sure it is not looking like I am ignoring her.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
She is throwing the ILYs around and I am validating but am not ready to return. I am continuing some GAL activities and passive communication throughout the day but what about the detachment, if she is pursuing now what is the best way to approach? Do I tell her that this is will not happen overnight, too much has happened this time, not sure what things will be like, etc etc?
Do you love her?
Overall I like your take it slow approach. If this is just a temp check then it will send her back the other way to embrace it too much.
If you love her, then there is nothing wrong in returning "ILY2". Continue to refrain from saying it first.
I often tell LBSs that they will know, without a doubt, when their WAS is ready to R. If you have doubts then stick to your gut and keep DBing.
Also, R doesn't mean you stop DBing. DBing is applicable to healthy and recovering marriage too. For instance you should always be lovingly and healthily detached. Look up self-differentiation in marriage. Your 180s should be PERMANENT. And GAL, while maybe not to the same level as when you are post BD, but pre-R, should still be done. One of the best things for a marriage is spending time apart.
Keep up the good work!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Update.....she’s been home all week, very concerned though that all positive interaction has been while she has been drinking. Communication during the day is better though.
Last night though something went down, someone we were talking to had a boyfriend cheat on her and she is in a bad place. I confirmed with her that cheaters suck with a high five. My wife took offense to that and it she couldn’t let it go. She made a trip to the bathroom and when she came back said she was going out with friends Sunday to watch games and might not be home. We know what that means.
She did finally make it to IC on Thursday and liked it and has another appt next week. She expressed to me all the pain that I have caused her in M and that her only support team is her S22 and OM. C asked if I was one of the people in her life that she had to remove and she said no, she is working on removing the negative peopl from her life.
I feel I acted a bit passive aggressive with my action last night and can only wonder if that pushed her to reach out to OM. I’m sure she still talks to him but it has been weeks since i think she has seen him.
I need to regroup a little now to get my self back to where I was.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Not freaking out but I know I need to do better even if she is reaching out. Detaching is tough when she is giving this much attention. I hope IC helps her and I know I still have a long way to go. Still hopeful but back to taking care of me. I will admit I did put the GAL on the back burner to spend more time with W.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Update she left Sun AM at 11 and did not come home last night. Hmmm, I knew where she was going and didn't care, jumped right back into my GAL activities. I see the last few weeks were a big temp check and pulling me back in a bit. Coupled with the event on Sat she panicked and ran right back to him.
Back to work....marathon
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I feel I acted a bit passive aggressive with my action last night and can only wonder if that pushed her to reach out to OM.
Was it P/A? Yes. Was is justification for her running back to OM? Oh hell no. It was a minor jab and she could have said "hey that felt like an attack and it hurt me" and you could have said "I can see why you felt that way, I apologize." That's how adults would handle that. But she's not an adult, she's a lying cheater and acting like a rebellious teenager. Keep working on that detachment!
