Lately I have been remembering little things here and there, just conversations we may have had where I said one thing or another that didn't seem like a big deal at the time (like simply disagreeing on our taste in something), but that now I think, "Oh, I'm sure that was a thing he didn't like." And of course, even though I had no idea and couldn't get him to open up, and those things certainly should not be basis for divorce in any case, I do catch myself thinking that it's my "fault" because of them.
This is a very common thing to do. The rug was yanked out from under you! When that happens its very destabilizing -- it came without warning and completely upended your life.
Your brain wants to go back and figure out what you did to deserve it. Your brain wants to say "Ah ha! I pulled that lever and that's why the trap door opened"
If you can find that "ah ha" moment, then you can avoid ever pulling that lever again and feel "safe" again that you can trust people in relationships.
That's why you're scanning history and wondering what you're to blame for. You're trying to build a simple cause and effect model of the world so you can navigate safely going forward.
Unfortunately, these are not simple cause and effect scenarios, so all this historical searching does is beat yourself up and harm your self esteem.
You need to mentally let go of the handlebars, surrender to the fact that "this happened" and accept that you may not ever be able to explain the "why" behind it.
That takes a lot of time to process, but once you get there it will free you.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
