She said that I shouldn't be that she has dropped hints several times over the years - I just didn't hear them.
Probably true, you probably read about that in DR. Please understand one thing- you need abundant patience right now. She clearly did not get to this point quickly, it's been years in the making. And reversing it will likely take a year or more as well. Give her time and space. Respect her wishes. You've got a lot to work on, so get busy!
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I have to admit that I have not been the husband that I should have been or father for that matter. I have been suffering from depression for most my adult life mainly from a sexual assault when I was 18. I meet my wife when I was 19 and we both fell in love and I thought that I could put this behind me and that my new found love would get me through . I never said it out loud in 32 years , in fact i thought that if I didn't admit that it had happened that it didn't but over the years it ate me up inside and I have had anger issues all of my adult life which wasn't present my first 18. I have lashed out over the years - verbally abused my wife and kids - I'd say mean hurtful things that I didn't mean but it was the only way i could deal with it inside.
Sounds to me like you have been mean and abusive, and have been that way a long time. I wouldn't try to "explain it away" as being because of something that happened way back when you were 18 because you're making it sound like you are not responsible for your actions. But you are, and you are also responsible for correcting your faults (doing 180's in DB terms). I was physically, verbally and mentally abused by my father throughout my life until I finally cut all contact with him in adulthood. It was traumatic, but I have never blamed any of my personal shortfalls on that because I make my own decisions. In fact I have gone out of my way to rise up and be better than that, especially with my kids.
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losing a business , going bankrupt, losing our house death of family members and everything we owned. I grew deeper into my depression and my wife also became depressed . I started self medicating myself and over the years so did my wife sometime with me . Over the last several months she decided to better herself and stopped - lost weight , started going out with friends more often but I was not there yet I dove deeper into self medication and depression until I could not go out in public without mean angry feelings and had no filter on what I said in public.
Kudos to your W for rising above that mess and making something better of herself! You should be very proud of her. Now it's your turn, and you have a great example to follow!
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I know that I should have heard and seen the signs but I guess I was waiting for someone to put their arms around me and tell me that I need help and needed to change but never got that .
But even if she had done that I doubt you would have done anything other than shut down on her. Unfortunately it takes BD for most of us to get about the business of fixing our issues.
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I know that my wife loves me she has proven it - we made love the night before she left and we have seen each other 8 time since she left and have made love all 8 times - I know my wife and I think women in general and can't imagine a women that walks out the door would do that if she didn't really love that person.
You'd be surprised. She loves you, but she's not "in love" with you. And there's the problem. She's got to fall back in love, and that's going to take time, and it's going to take a lot of effort on your part changing your bad behavior. You've got to change, and you've got to show her consistent changes over a long period of time for her to change her mind.
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I'm so confused and hurt that she didn't after 32 years with me sit me down and tell me how unhappy she really was
She did. She tried telling you for years, and that didn't work so BD is the ultimate form of telling you.
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I know I've really hurt my wife but after all those years together I can't imagine that she is not willing to work together on this.
Again, she tried. In her own way she tried. She didn't try in your way, she tried in her way and you didn't recognize it. BD for her is the absolute last resort. She is so desperate to get out of what she sees as a horrible, abusive marriage that she had no other choice. Try and see it from HER point of view. Even now you're still looking at it only in terms of what YOU want and need.
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She made no promises and told me that the only way that we could ever be together again was I had to let her go totally to ever have a chance to get her back.
She's right.
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I've read Michelle's book The Divorce Remedy and am trying to put one foot in front of the other and try the Last Resort but it is so hard .
DB'ing will be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. But it is your best chance.There's no easy way out of this. There are no magic tricks. It's just good old fashioned hard work and dedication.
