Whirlwind of Hurt 4

[Twofeet]

MiL shows up and W says to me, "you and MiL go ahead and take the kids I am going to stay home." Mentally I am thinking oh no I am not dealing with this B.S. you are handing out so I told wife "Are you kidding me? We are going as a family, this isn't about us, we are doing this for the kids."

TF, you're not a family anymore. Maybe you will be again some day but that ceased at BD. Quit pressuring her with stuff like this. Making her go is not going to benefit the kids because there's so much negative energy between the two of you right now. Next time just ask her if she's sure that's what she wants and then take the kids yourself.

D8 wants to have me over as well to have Thanksgiving as a family. I say its your moms scheduled holiday I am not sure she wants to have me over. D8 gets upset so W says yeah we can do Thanksgiving together, but gives me a look.

Frankly that sounds very pouty on your part. It also sounds like manipulation- "I'm going to pout until I get my way". I'm sure it's not what you intended but that's how it sounds, and if it sounds that way to me it does to your W I'm sure.

She says I shouldn't say that W doesn't want me over. I tell her its the truth I am not going to lie to the kids.

You never needed to say it in the first place. Like R2C suggested, you should have presented it to your D as a group decision rather than making it sound like your W is the bad guy in all of this. It's one thing to let them suffer the consequences of their actions. It's another thing completely when you try to FORCE them to suffer the consequences. You're just setting yourself up to be a target.

W says if I keep giving them the harsh truth they are going to turn against me because it puts W in a bad light and they won't turn on their Mom, just me. So there is some truth to what she says, but wow there is also a lot of fantasy.

She's right, the kids will sense that you are trying to make W out to be the bad guy. The thing LBS's seem to lose touch of is that to your kids you are mom and dad, not husband and wife. When you try to pin the blame for all of this on W, all the kids see is you trying to hurt their mom.

Selfish, playing the victim and not owning up to her actions, and lying to the kids to cover.

Maybe. Or maybe just trying to insulate the kids from the pain of all of this.

If down the road they turn on their mom it should be because the R between them and W broke down. It should NOT be because of something I started. That is wrong, I know it, and I need to be aware of it.

Do you actually WANT the kids to turn against their mom? If so, why? Do you want her to hurt and suffer? Because that has more to do with you than her. Despite my BD, S and D, I never lost sight of the fact that my ex is an amazing mom to the kids. Sure I could say "well she broke up the marriage so she's a shitty mother" but the reasons WAS's walk is enormously complex and not easily understood. It doesn't mean she's suddenly evil, or a bad mom, or a bad person. She just went through something and didn't want to be married anymore. Why make things harder on the kids? It's hard enough for them even with the loving support of both parents. Even in D they want you two to be a team when it comes to them. Work towards that goal.

AS,

1. As you understand letting go of the family we had is hard. I am struggling with this big time.
2., 3., 4. I am not being pouty, being pouty would be an easy problem to fix. I have a problem of not having a filter on around the W and kids. I am too blunt around them. I treat them like an extension of myself and don't even realize I am doing it. It something I need to work on pretty hard and fast.
5. She has been insulating the kids with flat out lies. It's like we are on opposite ends, both screwing up. She lies, I am truthful to the point of being harsh and damaging.
6. Honestly, no I do not want the R with my W and kids to suffer. That would not be in anyone's best interest. Do I want W to hurt and suffer? I want her to face the consequences of her actions, I want her to quit running from her problems. I want these things, but I have no control of that happening. I feel like for large parts of our MR when times get tough for her, be it work, life, etc. she just finds a reason to bail. She is a grass is greener person and she is chasing happiness, I just feel like none of her changes have made her happy and now she is pointing that gun at me. This is her battle to fight not mine. It's just hard being a casualty and seeing the kids being a casualty. Once she is gone I know I will do better, because having her around in this state keeps tripping me up. I just hope she just gets better with the kids and her absenteeism is just an effect of being with in the house with me.

This whole thing is by far the most difficult challenge I have faced in my life.

I appreciate your insight AS.