Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 4

[Davide]

Another journaling update:

My trip home for the wedding was both fun and lonely if that makes sense. I was able to spend time with my parents and my brother and his partner as well as extended family (a big Catholic family) as well as friends who go all the way back to high school. It really was a pleasure to be with them and sharing in new experiences. The wedding itself was very whimsical and touching, and the party afterwards was great fun. I'm not much of a dancer, but I got out there and made a fool of myself, found a ping-pong table at the bar afterward to play against my brother, met a bunch of new, interesting people, and caught up with family I hadn't seen in ages. At the same time the trip took me out of my routine, and I had lots of time to walk, alone, through the city. It was cold and wet, and it was hard not to feel a bit lonely. I didn't drink to excess at all, maybe 3-4 drinks each evening, but even that was enough to throw my body off.

I have recently been having more trouble with feelings of resentment and anger towards my W. The majority of my day is passed at work, or exercising, or GALing with the dog or friends and these thoughts rarely intrude in those times. I am genuinely present and content in those activities. However, when I do, inevitably, think about her or the relationship, I find myself caught up in resentment - it's not as strong as anger. I recently saw a group picture on social media and she was in it (trust me, I actively avoid anything that might include her.) I resent the choices she made when she checked out of the relationship and chose to give in to an infatuation with OM. I resent the lack of patience she showed and the lack of conviction in the importance in the relationship. I was not a great or even particularly good husband for a couple of years at the end as I struggled with depression, but I had stood by her for years, holding her as she cried, enduring the knowledge that I couldn't heal her own depression. I chose to stand by her because, as much of a drag as it was to be married to a depressed person, it was the way I could express my love and conviction that this relationship was important to me.

I understand that I need to let these resentments go. More than that, I actively want to let them go. Holding on to this bitterness will only embitter me and turn me into a person that I don't want to be. It's also impossible to detach if I am still grasping on to these feelings - I am giving them control over me that they don't deserve. It has been 3 months since we have spoken and I feel stronger and more confident in myself in most ways. However, I think the trip and the wedding, and my upcoming birthday next week are triggering some of these feelings. In yoga class earlier this week, I chose forgiveness as my intention and mantra for the class, and I did the same while meditating the next day. At this point I am capable of releasing the thoughts and letting them go to clear my mind to the present moment, but I'd still like to work past the resentment all together. Perhaps it is just a question of time and patience. However, if there are any other ideas out there I'd love to hear them.