Was in the hotel room on Sunday afternoon watching football when I noticed odd behavior on our outdoor security camera. W had a babysitter come over and long story short, I found out she went on a bike ride with OM. After the bike ride was over, I asked her how it was. She replied. I then sent her a text "so are you ready to admit this OM is more than what you've led on? I know you went on the bike ride with him." (She's tried to maintain all along that they are just "friends" yada yada yada when I've expressed to her that a third party can't be involved in our M if we are trying to work on things). She asked me "how do I know that," to which I just told her "I know that he was."
I wish you would have posted here first. To me, this makes it very clear that you are spying on her. Sometimes, it's better to take some time, collect your thoughts, and make a plan. Confrontation is just that....confrontation. But it doesnt really mean anything unless you can back it up with clear actions/boundaries. What was the end of result of this, exactly...? It isnt like you know clearly what went on while they were gone. Ive never heard of two people going out for a bike ride to decide to .... stop talking to each other. That feels like a conversation you have where you meet somewhere and go your separate ways....not somewhere when you then have to ride back for however long together. Whether or not they did anything physical on the bike ride isnt that important....it just doesnt make sense that THAT would be how they end contact.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
When I got home, she sent me this big long message about what her and her therapist discussed at their last session, which was basically shedding some light on sexual abuse that took place while she was a teenager and went on into her early 20s. It was very graphic and wasn't just a couple times here and there. I knew this person had sexually abused her but I didn't know to what extent it had taken place. I thought it was just one time. Not that it took place over the course of 6+ years. She had never told anyone, ever, about any of this prior to sharing it with her IC and then me on Sunday night. I told her that I was so incredibly sorry that she had to go through that and has held it in for so long but that I appreciated her sharing it with me and if there was anything I could do I would.
That said, it is definitely a good thing that she felt comfortable enough with you to share this kind of information.
Originally Posted by Wanted1
She informed both ICs (mine and hers) about what transpired on Sunday and also told them the meeting was to shut down their communication moving forward. She told me prior that her IC told her that if she does end it, "it needs to be for her and no one else" and she mentioned that in the session.
Im confused by this statement. I thought she did end it? Whats with the "if"?
Originally Posted by Wanted1
I told her that I'm willing to wait it out for awhile until she gives me an answer one way or the other.
Im having some trouble understanding why this is such a 'given' for her. From what I can recall, this woman has had multiple affairs with all kinds of deceit. Why is it that you are going to put your life on hold while she figures out if she wants to be with you? You phrase this as if it's a given that if she says "Wanted, I want to be with you", that you will be right there waiting with open arms. If youre willing to put yourself as Plan B regardless of what she does, then why would she choose that path?
Originally Posted by Wanted1
In the session I explained my mentality moving forward is to not come to her with anything pertaining to our R for 2 reasons: 1) to give her the time and space she's asking for and 2) because I need to start emotionally detaching from this. I've been trying like hell to save our M thus far (in all the wrong ways, I know!) but regardless, I've been trying to do what I thought was best at the time to save it. And, while I'm going to remain hopeful, I also need to be realistic and essentially start protecting and looking out for myself and preparing for the strong possibility that this doesn't work out. I'd rather start preparing for that now than be blindsided in the future with her informing me that she's 100% out. I've had 6 weeks to grieve over this whole situation so I need to start moving on.I told her I'll wait but I'm not going to wait forever.
I agree that this is kind of what you should be doing. But....I dont understand why youre laying this all out to your W. As V says regularly...."cards, chest, close in any order". If you were trying to start dating someone, you wouldnt be like "Im going to call you every third day so that I appear interested but not TOO interested. Im going to send you flowers after 2 weeks and chocolate after 6. I also want to take you to this special place in a month, etc."
Speak with actions. Just do the things you think are best. You dont need to explain every little detail to her.
In any case....how is GAL going? And did you meet up with your friend X?
