What do I do now with you?

[optimist]

Bear with me, my friends, because this is going to be a long post. And rambly, I fear.

I have not posted for several months because I have been too busy with life. My work has been hectic, my father was diagnosed with cancer (luckily I was there and was able to take care of many practical things and get the train moving, so to speak) and my daughter started kindergarten (which is teaching me a lot about how difficult it is to grow and let go of security and mom).

My H is still home and things have been mostly up with some downs. He spends lots of time with us and has been pretty good about being accountable for his whereabouts. We have had some frightful fights but even that is an improvement since one of our major problems had been his tendency to be silent when he does not like something, let me do it and then resent me for doing it. We have managed to make up so far, though it has come close a couple of times. And life goes on.

No, I do not have an idyllic picture of happily-ever-after to paint. Life is not rosy, but then, when is it? But I am learning some stuff, especially after nearly calling it quits a few weeks ago. I am finally growing up and realizing some things that I may have been intellectually known, but never really internalized. I hope that is going to help us weather the storm and get to the harbour, but, if it does not, at least it will help me be a better me. After that last huge blowout when we were within hours of telling our daughter that we were getting a divorce, I think I finally learned to see things from the other side. I hope I do not forget it soon.

Here are some things I have learned, things I have been doing that have been preventing me from healing (I hope CHL does not tell me “I told you so”, because he did try to make me understand. But we are not ready to understand until we are ready. And we keep sabotaging ourselves in the meantime, just for the dubious fun of it.):

1. I have never really committed myself again to the M. I have always had one foot in the door. Yes, I finally dropped the divorce suit in August, but I have not dropped it in my mind. It was always “I’ll do this but he’d better do his part or else...” I have asked him to commit when I was not ready to do it myself.

2. I have wanted him to make changes without really committing myself to change. Yes, I went through the motions of change but in my secret mind I was still convinced that change was not necessary, that I was right and he was wrong. I did not see his changes or appreciate his efforts because he was not doing it the way I wanted him to. It really was ‘my way or the highway.’

3. As ‘the injured party’ I have not only wanted reassurance that it will never happen again. I have been punishing him for it having happened in the first time. It came to a point in which he was totally hedged. He told me himself: “If we are not together (read ML) in the morning I feel that you will think I am out there sleeping with others. I cannot leave the house early because you will think I am going with someone. I rush through the day to get home early or you will be upset. I never know what is going to happen and what mood you’ll be in” My answer was: “You must love me to go through all that” “You have no idea of how much,” he said.

4. I have expected him to drop everything and totally submit to what my opinion or my view is, sometimes without consciously realising it myself. I have been disrespectful of his opinions and his views, because ‘he was in the wrong.’ And it showed.

5. I have set my timeline according to my needs and been impatient when I would not get things done in four days. I have also looked outside (books, friends, whatever) for the ‘correct timeline’ for things to occur reather than looking inwards.

I am sure there are more where these came from, if I put my mind to it. I will stop now, because it is getting too long and difficult to read. Anyway, I just wanted to share the obstacles to reconciliation that I have set up myself. I now realize that my righteous attitude has been my worst enemy and I am working hard in changing it. I hope my experience helps someone.