Seems it's all about proving she can be independent. But I guess all W do this when they D?
From my observation, this does seem to be something that happens frequently.
Originally Posted by Amoafwl
To me, this feels very weak/passive. I dont know what you said to her, but it sounds like you are begging for the scraps of time that she is willing to give you. Could you phrase this with something like "I would like to be with D XXXXX." or "I can plan to have S while D is in the hospital."
I just feel like saying something "Would you like me to watch S for the 2 weeks?" puts HER in control. I think it's a better approach to say what you want than "offering to help" - makes it seem like it's about doing a favor for her rather than you getting your time with the kid(s).
Im also wondering about the offer to "come stay with S"....it seems clear she doesnt want you in the house. I wonder if there was a way that S could have come to you.
And yes....talk to a lawyer ASAP
These were my thoughts as well. She is not the only arbiter of what happens with the kids. You have an equal say, if you choose to stand up for yourself. And allowing a "mentally unstable" friend to stay with your son is abdicating your responsibilities to him.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Well that is the lowest I have felt for a long time. I went to get the car and both kids would not talk to me at all, W has done such a job on them. It was hard to hold back the tears they were with me. Had to leave the house without even saying goodbye.
She lied to them saying I was forcing her to give car back, I said she could keep it. Won't give up on them but this is going to be a long way back, not even bothered about the D anymore.
Well that is the lowest I have felt for a long time. I went to get the car and both kids would not talk to me at all, W has done such a job on them. It was hard to hold back the tears they were with me. Had to leave the house without even saying goodbye.
She lied to them saying I was forcing her to give car back, I said she could keep it. Won't give up on them but this is going to be a long way back, not even bothered about the D anymore.
Im sorry that youre having a rough time. I was fortunate in that my XW has been good about access since our separation. I cant imagine the added layer of difficulty and pain a limited access would cause.
One caution I have is that you are putting this all on your W for "doing a job on them". Youve been out of the house for a month. What exactly have they seen of you in that time? As far as I know...only the time when you tried to "move back in". You are right that you need to repair the relationships with them. Just be cautious to put all of the fault and blame on your W. They have their own minds and their own perceptions - how are you behaving and how are you showing them that you are different from what your W might be saying?
Well that's the thing. I can't act as anything as she has stopped me talking to them. I saw them 10 days ago and everything was fine. Since then she has blocked their phones so I can't phone them.
She has been telling them I am taking their car, not paying for their music lessons etc.
Well that's the thing. I can't act as anything as she has stopped me talking to them. I saw them 10 days ago and everything was fine. Since then she has blocked their phones so I can't phone them.
She has been telling them I am taking their car, not paying for their music lessons etc.
So what are you doing NOW and in the meantime to rectify this situation? Im not trying to blame you; I think the things your W is doing are terrible, and I cant imagine how frustrated and helpless you must feel.
But I think you need to be acting as proactively as you can. All your kids can see right now is that you arent around. Assuming your W isnt going to change how she is behaving, what actions are you (and your lawyer) taking?
Does your W's view have ANY validity? Have you ever been violent or threatened violence with the kids or her? Shown any proclivity to violence? Raised your voice?
Because if you have, you are blowing sunshine up our butts, and it's no wonder she's behaving the way she is. Think about it from her perspective.
Think about that. Think about that really hard. Don't just blow this question off with a snort and "of course not!"
She might be an evil bitch, but she might have a point, and if she does, that's where you should start showing her you've changed. Of course, you would actually have to change.....
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I agree with Croften. This journey, as hard as it may be, is also about taking a long hard look in the mirror and seeing our parts in the S. Until we can see ourselves for what we are and take responsibility for the our part, then we cannot forgive ourselves or our S. Yes, her actions are extreme, but try and understand what led to them. Understanding is part of forgiving. If you can't forgive then there is no hope of moving forward in your own growth.
And your D will turn into it will turn into a tit-for-tat. And that is no good for you or the children.
Does your W's view have ANY validity? Have you ever been violent or threatened violence with the kids or her? Shown any proclivity to violence? Raised your voice?
Because if you have, you are blowing sunshine up our butts, and it's no wonder she's behaving the way she is. Think about it from her perspective.
Think about that. Think about that really hard. Don't just blow this question off with a snort and "of course not!"
She might be an evil bitch, but she might have a point, and if she does, that's where you should start showing her you've changed. Of course, you would actually have to change.....
Used violence against the kids absolutely not, never. She has actually hit or slapped my son on occasions though.
Used violence against her, no as I said I was arrested for grabbing her during an argument and released without charge. It was a over reaction on her part, she basically called the police 4 hours after the said incident. Raised my voice yes of course I have. Our relationship was quite toxic, she often assaulted me over the years and had a foul temper. But we have had our fair share of screaming matches but it was never a physically abusive relationship from my side.
So saw a L today. She phoned the divorce court and it appears they have not received any D petition from my W. She supposedly filed on the 2nd October. So not sure what to make of that, just more evidence of what a liar she is.
Anyway, L says to contest next's Friday hearing for NMA and occupation order and get a trial then once done I can look at going for joint custody.
As I am sure I don't want a R, should I petition for D myself now? Will it make any difference?
