First of all - He's a classic Midlife Crisis, thinking he doesn't have much time left and needs to go out and sleep with this younger woman to vainly try to convince himself he's not aging. Pretty classic. (And yes, they've slept together if she's sending pictures to your home.)
It may well be the best option right now to send him packing and make him live with the reality of his choices; right now he gets the comfort of his home with you while still getting to eat cake with her. And if she sent those pictures to YOU deliberately, you know already she's a bag of cats. Still, if you take this approach, you have to be willing to accept the fact that he may not come back. He may not come back regardless of what you do. But having to live in reality instead of fantasy often can wake up a MLC spouse.
Now, in order to achieve this, it sounds like you need to square up your finances. So back to my original unanswered questions: How much equity do you have in the house? If he leaves how much could you get from a roommate? Talk to an attorney to get an idea of how you would fare financially in a divorce (if he makes more than you he may owe you alimony - he might be willing to trade the house to you for that depending on the finances.)
Also - assuming those student loans were all to finance your PhD - how is your earning potential now with that PhD? Will you be able to find new work at a higher salary?
And MOST important of all - go out and get a life. Thinks of things you have always wanted to do and DO THEM. Do the things you wanted to do but your husband might have laughed at or belittled. Do the things you never dared to do. Go out and live a life so fun and exciting that your H will wonder what he's missing out on. You might find your life is so good you don;t even want him back!
When my ex left after 26 years I bought a drum kit and learned to play the drums at 53. I joined an adult rock band class and began playing in a pop punk cover band for several years. My best friend who is a professional singer songwriter began bringing me along to play glockenspiel and vibraphone at her gigs. Since my divorce 9 years ago I've met and played on the same stage with famous musicians. It's just a hobby but my exH, who thought HE was the musician in the family, must be green with envy! (He can play a dozen Neil Young songs on acoustic guitar.)
Also, although I fought hard for my marriage, EVERY man I have dated since my divorce has treated me better than my ex. NONE of them complain about the supposed flaws my ex was so focused on.
KML and others--thanks so much for your info and support!
Equity in the house--hard to tell (or I just don't know). We refinanced the house 5 years ago, and took out a home equity loan last year to redo the kitchen and the windows. I estimate that it is worth $150,000. Purchased originally in 2000 for 99,000. With both the first and the home equity loan, we owe 88,00 alltogether.
Because I live in a college town, getting a roommate would be relatively easy, and I would estimate about $800/mo rent plus utilities. H makes 20,000 more than I do. I have a referral to an attorney--will talk soon, but most of our money goes out to various bills, insurance, medical, etc. in addition to student loans. I took out 6 semesters worth of loans, and paid off 3 of them before they became due. Thanks to student loan rules, though, and recapitalization, I believe that we owe about as much on the loans as our original mortgage--about 66,000. These were all taken out in my name. As a University employee, I get 9 free credit hours per year, so I only actually pay for 3 credits per year. The rest went to medical bills, and I believe that we each got a computer at some point as well. Hope that helps.
I did not tell me husband about the medical bills--he has no idea what we paid. And although insured, 3 brain surgeries and and an additional hospitalization for a brain infection 3 years ago is not cheap. We had one prescription that, with insurance, was $500/mo, plus occupational, physical, speech and regular therapy. I considered getting a second job, but he was too ill to leave alone, and I could work on my degree at home, so that's what I did. Anyone with a loved one battling brain issues knows that there are angry periods, but now, 9 years after the first surgery, it feels like we are sliding backwards a little bit. Or maybe MLC seems to have some of the same characteristics! Or maybe he simply doesn't love me anymore. He was livid when I told him that a divorce takes planning, and that we simply can't afford it right now. Also told him that we need to get our debt down if he truly wants to leave. I am devastated.
If the house is worth $150k and you owe 88k then you have roughly $50k equity if you were to sell the house (after selling costs). So in theory, you could buy him out of the house for $25-30k. You might be able to trade that for him not having to pay you alimony. Then the money from a roommate would cover most of the mortgage payment, no?
It also sounds like you have a good case for him to be equally responsible for the student loan debt since most of that money was used for living expenses during his illness. You'll want to document everything you can.if it comes to divorce he should be responsible for a share of that debt.
