The tears, taking things off the calendar, mopping around the house...….the whole thing is a performance for you. She knows you are a nice guy and she's going to push those NG buttons. As crazy as it sounds, she (the adulterer) wants you to feel sorry for her. She wants you to feel that you are being too hard on her. Listen, nothing is more self centered than a WW. Give her zero attention when she is crying and mopping. Let her have a pity party for one.
Here's the thing about WW's. The H has to behave as if he is fed up with her behavior. He isn't impressed or concerned with what he sees in her, until she's willing to do the right thing (end the affair). The mistake most LBH's initially make is trying to show his WW that they can save the MR, that he can be Mr. Wonderful, and live happily ever after. Some H's may actually try to compromise with the WW, even though he knows she's in an affair. These actions are not effective b/c it tells her that he is willing to endure her disrespect. Before he can have a successful reconciliation, she has to be convinced that he will not compromise with her adulterous behavior, and that he is not going to shower her with love while she disrespects him.
The H must set boundaries, but he must understand how it works before he starts shooting off his mouth. Boundaries are not to control what she does, but they are to protect your feelings. If she honors your boundary, fine. If she doesn't honor them, then there should be some sort of consequences. That's the only effective way the WW learns how to respect her H's boundaries. Therefore, before you start crowing about a bunch of "boundaries" to her, discuss with the board first.
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I suspect that it is in fact OM who ended things btetween them as she was really hooked on abandoning us all for her new endeavors with him.
Even if that's the case, it doesn't mean she is anywhere near being over him. Affairs are addictive, and she will try to keep contacting him. If he's really through with her, then she might try to find OM2. Just don't want you getting high hopes just yet. They may have had a "lover's spat". The last thing you need to do is comfort her for feeling so badly cause her & lover boy are finished (if that's the case). Neither should you act excited, b/c she will act even more wayward to prove to you that the M is over. Just don't show her any emotion one way or the other.
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I sat down for 30 minutes, had a bite to eat, and she asked me how my training went and acted all polite, but didn't talk at all about us or the OM, so I just ignored every urge to talk to her, and told her I would call it an early night and went to bed.
Fantastic!
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This morning she wandered around the house in a towel after having showered, I couldn't help but notice of course. I didn't say anything though.
Just act as if you don't notice a thing. Look, the H is the WW's backup plan, and she will do things to keep that backup plan secured...….if you know what I mean. If she feels her world is a little shaky right now, she could be thinking, "I better keep hubby interested so I don't kicked out to the curb". The WW wants what benefits her, and she's going to look out for number one.
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Tonight she is going to be heading out to a mutual friends house probably to get emotional support - I am going to continue 180 and detach until she comes around, or not.
You are probably correct about the emotional support from her friends.
What 180's are you doing? That's a good start, but you left out GAL. When you are truly getting enough GAL, you will feel differently about yourself (upbeat, confident, decisive, attractive, etc.). It is the ingredient that helps you more forward and upward.
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Am I doing the right thing?
Yes, as long as you don't have the mindset that you are trying to get good enough for her to pick you, rather than the OM. I think one of the traps that H's with NGS fall into the most when facing the possibility of D, is trying to get good enough to win the WW. It doesn't work. What does work is for her to see him being strong enough to dump her. As long as she sees him being the grieving H who is patiently waiting for her to come around...….she's not worried about him being there. Know what I mean? Remember, she's not the prize. You are!
So, if the house sells right away, what are your plans?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
