The 180 was the plan. For me, that means no relationship talks, no raised voices, etc. The only thing that I mentioned is that I had weekend plans with a friend for Friday, Sat and part of Sun. He said fine, he had plans for Sunday as well. I don't quite remember how we segued into "I don't to be married to you"--but that's where it ended. I asked him about the invite to a concert the day before, the text that said "relax--we are both committed to this marriage." etc, and he only says that he has changed his mind. He is baffling me, because while we both have made our share of mistakes, he was the one having an affair this summer--no matter what, I never strayed in our entire 38 years. Our children are furious (he managed to involve their children without their knowledge) and instead of acknowledging any responsibility it looks like he is going to walk away.
I agreed and ask if he was talking about separation or divorce. He responded only that he couldn't be married to me anymore. I asked what he would think of a roommate situation, at least for know, to which he readily agree (to my surprise--if he is so unhappy why would he want to be around me). Trying to figure out what to do--I could use financial advice from anyone here. He makes $20,000 more than me, drives my car (my name only), we owe $66,000 on the mortgage and have a boatload of student loans, almost all taken out to keep us afloat while he recovered from brain surgery.
If we are roommates in the same house we'll need to figure out things like meals, laundry, cleaning, but it would be cheaper because we are maxed and can't afford two places to live. Tips?[/quote]
Who is the student? Are both of your names on those loans? What is the total on the loans? How much equity do you have in the home? Are you in the U.S.? Is he spending responsibly?
Would need a lot of info to give financial advice. I recommend you figure out two budgets - one if he stays in the home, one if he leaves. (Because you have no control over whether he leaves or not). You might also want to consult an attorney just to find out what your financial options are. Do either of you have retirement savings or a pension? Is there a loan on the car that is in your name only but that he drives?
I love this man, and have since the age of 21. The pain is the worst I've ever encountered, even compared to years ago when he almost died of a brain infection.
Exactly how long ago was this? This is a form of brain injury, and long term consequences of brain injury can show up years later (think of those football players with chronic traumatic encephalopathy). My friend's husband sustained a bad brain injury from a bicycle accident in his late 40's, made a miraculous recovery, but within ten years started to show signs of dementia and died in a nursing home in his early 60's.
Not trying to excuse what may be a garden variety midlife crisis, but have you seen other signs of him being irrational, forgetful, or unexpectedly angry with people other than you? Has he gotten into any trouble at his work? Driving more recklessly or having accidents? Mood changes can be an early sign of brain deterioration.
My ex had several concussions in his 40's and although he had a typical midlife crisis at 50 I also believe his concussions had something to do with it.
Thanks, ALL. KML, the loans are mostly in my name. We both have some retirement savings (small, like $30,000 each) and we are making payments on the car, $245, which we will owe for three more years. He makes about 20,000 more than me, so making the mortgage without him could be extremely difficult.
KML, I agree with you about the brain injury. He had two brain abscesses that required 3 surgeries to fix (9 years ago) and a brain infection (encephalopathy) 3 years ago, which I believe the the beginning of our downward spiral. During the 3 years ago incident, he was on a high dose of steroids, as well as keppra (which has known side affects called "Keppra rage") but hasn't been on either of those for a while. He has been irrational, forgetfull, and has angry outbursts (mostly at me, I think). Not sure about work, but he did go out on Saturday evening and came back with a large scrape on the side of the car, which he did not mention until I asked him about it--said that it was a parking problem). He has other symptoms which have been a red flag for me, like asking me "what is broccoli?" after eating it for 20 years or more. Don't know about work, but both of our grown children have remarked that his personality has changed. My daughter and I said this to him directly, with no results. I think that at least some of his behavior has been driven by brain changes. When I tell him that he says "so I don't want to be married to you and you think that it's a brain change?" I certainly think that our problems are partly related to that, but not entirely. His doctor is concerned, too, but he lies to her, and she is trying to figure out a way to check him neurologically without outing me.
I'm sorry you're stuck in this position. Of course it's possible for MLC and brain injury to exist in the same place; I think my ex would have had s MLC anyway, but think his concussions made it worse. Now, 9 years later, I'm just glad I won't have to care for him in his old age.
Are the loans all in your name because YOU were the student, or are they loans for your kids and your H just had bad credit? If the money was used for the benefit of both of you there should be some way to account for that in a divorce settlement.
Could you live on your income if, for instance, you got a paying roommate? How much is your home worth?
My husband and I have been married for 38 years. During that time we've had two children, gone to college, and are within 10 years of paying off all debt. This summer, my husband started an emotional affair with a woman half his age, an affair which is ongoing. He says that they are just friends, but they made out this summer, and the woman took pictures, which were sent to my home. Later in the summer, he arranged to have her fly to our state, and rented a single hotel room for the two of them--only I found out, and the plan was scuttled. They still talk via text nearly all day long (22,000 texts that I knew of last) and spend at least an hour on the phone every night.
My husband started this affair when he felt desperate after I ignored him and stayed behind my computer for months (accounts differ, but I was working on a PhD at the time). We got in a terrible pattern because of it: he got mad, followed by me retreating even more. This July (around the time of the pictures) he told me that he had lost feeling for me and felt that our marriage would likely not survive. He was massively angry and said some terrible things, "our marriage ended on the day I met her" --occasionally wanting to work on the marriage, but mostly not.
He has now asked for a divorce, and is serious. Says that he doesn't feel that he has much time left, and wants to spend it well. He has agreed to wait until the spring to make a decision. I am devastated, and love him very much. So--Last Resort is where I am. Who here has tried it, or knows of someone who has? What did you/they do and what were the results? Please help! I can't afford the counselling prices here--although I am sure that it is well worth it--and this is my last chance. I don't actually know how to combine threads, but this is a continuation of my newcomer thread. Thanks for your help--without this community I would really be a mess!
Your husband did not start an affair because he felt desperate because you ignored him...
He started an affair because he is 1. Disloyal 2. Dishonest 3. Entitled 4. Selfish 5. A liar 6. Not committed
I would never date a man that i knew cheated on his long term partner. Its not admirable trait.
There is no such thing as a technique to get a spouse to come back to you. Usually, these types of disloyal, dishonest, entitled, selfish, liar, non committed types like what they dont have. So the moment they realize you dont want them back os is when they usually want to come back.
Work on not wanting him back. To do this you have to
1. GAL 2. Realize your worth and value 3. Realize his lack of worth and value
Put yourself in a better place. Dont pursue him. Make your life good without him.
I went through the whole "just friends" thing with my XW. They love to have their cake and eat it too. I eventually booted her @ss out the door, but I waited far too long. In my opinion, the sooner you boot 'em out the door, the higher the probability that they'll come back. In addition, his girlfriend is a beneficiary of the current situation as well; she gets to have all of the fun without the maintenance and commitment. I'd bet that as soon as his girlfriend realizes that your husband is all hers, then her feelings will change very quickly.
The other interesting dynamic is that once they're gone, you begin to realize that, just maybe, they weren't really the wonderful spouse that you believed them to be. Love has a strange way filtering reality in favor of the loved one.
I have merged your two threads together. Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings and you can change the subject line at any time within a thread..
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm really sorry you find yourself here. On the plus side, the people here are really incredible. They saved me.
I'm just trying to get my head round this: your H is blaming you for his lying and cheating? Your studying caused him to go chasing after another woman?
Man, one of the many good things about education is that once you've earned that bit of paper, it's yours for life. Nobody can take that away from you, however much they might try to devalue you.
I agree with everything that Juju has said. I'd also add: let him do all the hard work of sorting out the D. If he wants it, he can do the work. You don't have to be obstructive towards him, just say something super neutral like 'I've never stopped you from doing whatever it is you want in life', and leave it at that. Don't initiate any conversations about it, don't do any of the work towards it.
And use that time and energy that you have left over for yourself, and pursuing your own interests. Like Juju said, put yourself in a better place and make your life good without him.
