Yesterday was Halloween. H came over around lunch and spent the day decorating the house with D8. His mum and step dad came over with H's niece (7) in the early evening and D12, D8 and H niece all got ready. We all ate dinner together and then D12 and her friends went trick or treating. H and his stepdad took D8 and niece out. I stayed in with MIL and gave candy to the kids who came round. It was a good day/night with laughter and lots of enthusiasm. H did not take his phone out once other than to take photos of the kids and the house.
Contrast this with last year. Halloween H was in the depths of his I hate my W phase. He spent the whole day at the gym (I put the decorations out), came home, criticized the way I'd put the decorations out, yelled at me for moving his gym bag (I didn't - I was too scared to move anything of his back then) and then sat on the sofa like a grumpy [censored]. He only got up to take the kids trick-or-treating.
It was very 'normal'. The normalness of it was a little disconcerting.
I found out something from MIL last night. She said H and her were talking about H's brother and she mentioned that BIL is very depressed. H responded with "mum, so am I". He said that when he is alone in the flat, he really wants to be home with the girls. He said he is lonely. He didn't get to say much more because someone interrupted them. This is the first time he has admitted things aren't all roses. When he left I said to him he might be depressed and he nearly spat in my face.
He has done some other strange things. I had some photos put onto little 10 by 10 inch canvases which I arranged like tiles on one of our walls. When I wasn't home, he insisted his mum go and look at them and said "I can't believe how good they look". He hasn't even mentioned to me that he has noticed them.
He drove me to the station this morning, and as he has the girls tonight and I am out, asked me if I would call the girls. I said of course. Today he sent me a text saying his sister is booking a restaurant for boxing day and would I mind if the girls went. He also made a point of saying that I was welcome too. When I responded on behalf of the girls only, he sent a text back "will you be joining us?". I said I didn't know yet. I mentioned I wasn't feeling very well and would probably be home early. He said I should drop by the flat if it's not too late and say goodnight to the girls.
I know I should have no expectations, and I really don't. I would not be surprised if it turns out that his sudden kindness is driven by guilt. But I cannot help but think that these are positive signs. I will keep detaching and living my life though.
My question is should I be encouraging the contact (without expectations) or should I protect myself and set clearer boundaries. A part of me thinks that I would be setting boundaries purely to 'shock him' into seeing what he is giving up.
