Unsure what's next, what to do.....Part II

[Wanted1]

Update:

I left last weekend for my meeting, which was on Monday, and took the weekend to GAL. Was in the hotel room on Sunday afternoon watching football when I noticed odd behavior on our outdoor security camera. W had a babysitter come over and long story short, I found out she went on a bike ride with OM. After the bike ride was over, I asked her how it was. She replied. I then sent her a text "so are you ready to admit this OM is more than what you've led on? I know you went on the bike ride with him." (She's tried to maintain all along that they are just "friends" yada yada yada when I've expressed to her that a third party can't be involved in our M if we are trying to work on things). She asked me "how do I know that," to which I just told her "I know that he was."

So, I immediately decided there was no way I could function in a meeting that next morning and decided to head for home Sunday. Didn't tell her I was. We exchanged a few text messages following the ones described above to which most of them were her telling me he was "passing through" and she asked him to meet with her so she could end things with him in a "respectful" manner. She insisted there was no intimacy. That they went on a bike ride and then she told him she was ceasing contact with him so that she can have a clear mind in trying to decide what to do. I told her I wasn't sure I believe her but that time would tell if she was telling the truth or not. When I got home, she sent me this big long message about what her and her therapist discussed at their last session, which was basically shedding some light on sexual abuse that took place while she was a teenager and went on into her early 20s. It was very graphic and wasn't just a couple times here and there. I knew this person had sexually abused her but I didn't know to what extent it had taken place. I thought it was just one time. Not that it took place over the course of 6+ years. She had never told anyone, ever, about any of this prior to sharing it with her IC and then me on Sunday night. I told her that I was so incredibly sorry that she had to go through that and has held it in for so long but that I appreciated her sharing it with me and if there was anything I could do I would.

Yesterday we had our 2nd couples session. I was hesitant to go, as I sort of referenced in previous posts but decided to move forward with it since the OM was "supposedly" out of the picture now. She informed both ICs (mine and hers) about what transpired on Sunday and also told them the meeting was to shut down their communication moving forward. She told me prior that her IC told her that if she does end it, "it needs to be for her and no one else" and she mentioned that in the session. My IC asked her in the session what obstacles she sees as reasons why we can't work on R moving forward and she didn't have an answer to that which I found a little odd but also maybe enlightening I guess? She seems to want out but if she wanted to work on things she can't pinpoint why she's concerned we couldn't make it work.... She did mention that she hasn't completely shut out the possibility of R with me, that it as never entered her mind that she is "just done." She went on to say that she just needs to make sure that that decision is, in fact, her decision and not because it's what I want. Which I get and respect and probably want. If things are going to work, we both need to be 100%

Her whole issue with the M seems to be that she's always disregarded her feelings and felt as though her feelings need to align with mine. She never felt as though she should stand up for what she thought or felt and that it was her "job" to "make me happy" throughout the M. While I continue to wonder when and what these things she's referring to are, I guess in the end it doesn't really matter if that's how she's felt.

So in the session yesterday, I floated this idea out to everyone. I told them that I'm afraid of the possibility that even if she does want to R, she, in her own words, has had so much trouble in the past differentiating what she wants with her feelings of needing to provide me with what I want, that she is trying her hardest to not feel as though she wants to R because that would then align with how I feel and therefore maybe she doesn't trust herself in that decision (confusing, I know!). I validated her feelings throughout the session but did voice this one concern I had. I think it was great insight on my part because I sort of noticed both ICs kind of nod in approval or satisfaction for what I was trying to say.

It kind of makes sense though....if she's working so hard at trying to be true to her self and true to what she feels, I suppose she might have trouble with coming to the conclusion that she wants to R since she can't differentiate whether that is what she really feels or is afraid she's falling back into her thought process from the past and simply wanting what I want. Almost as if she doesn't trust herself, yet, to know whether those feelings are true or not.

So, we still stand where we've been the past 6 weeks. I told her I had every intention of giving her time and space moving forward and I was doing a good job of it until I found out about the rendezvous with the OM on Sunday. I told her if he is truly out of the picture now, that I can absolutely give her the time and space she's looking for. I said I respect everyone's opinions on the subject, but I honest to God think that the continual communication with OM from BD until 4 days ago was absolutely an external influence. She doesn't seem to want to agree with that assessment but I think it was and maybe it was subconsciously for her and she didn't realize it. Regardless, it wasn't helping, let's put it that way. It feels like we've lost 6 weeks of this limbo period because of it.

She starts a new job next week. Commute to it is an hour each way. She will have less time at home with the kids which will be hard on everyone. However, maybe the 2 hour commute each day will give her some of that time and space she's looking for to reflect on what she really wants. With us still living in the same house and working together, the idea of time and space is nice but almost unrealistic up until this point. She acknowledged the same in our session as well. Her having a new job will give her more of that. I don't think she has any plans of moving out in the near future. We discussed that in the session as well. I voiced my opinion that I would like for her to continue living in our house, at least for the kids sake, until a decision is actually made. I did follow up though that I would understand if she didn't feel the same. She never really responded that she thought she needed to move out so I believe the plan moving forward is for her to continue living there.

I told her that I'm willing to wait it out for awhile until she gives me an answer one way or the other. Up until this point, she has said she has had no desire to R. But, like I said before, I kind of wonder if the OM has something to do with that. The other "obstacle" my IC brought up was fatigue on her part. Not only is she having to deal with these M issues, but also ALL of the trauma that's happened to her is coming to a head at the exact same time. Fatigue could absolutely be an issue. Just so much to deal with all at once. One of those is more than enough to deal with at any given time let alone both simultaneously.

In the session I explained my mentality moving forward is to not come to her with anything pertaining to our R for 2 reasons: 1) to give her the time and space she's asking for and 2) because I need to start emotionally detaching from this. I've been trying like hell to save our M thus far (in all the wrong ways, I know!) but regardless, I've been trying to do what I thought was best at the time to save it. And, while I'm going to remain hopeful, I also need to be realistic and essentially start protecting and looking out for myself and preparing for the strong possibility that this doesn't work out. I'd rather start preparing for that now than be blindsided in the future with her informing me that she's 100% out. I've had 6 weeks to grieve over this whole situation so I need to start moving on.I told her I'll wait but I'm not going to wait forever.

We both took the kids around trick-or-treating last night and had supper with some friends and their kids last night as well. I'm was feeling a little depressed this morning that that might have been the last holiday as a "family," but I'm doing a little better now. Trying not to think about the negatives and focusing on the positives.