BD was Oct last year. H had been acting strange in the months preceding, more distant, angry and just checking out of family things. After a while, I called him on it, said that I was unhappy. He said he didn't realise things were so bad and we agreed to try and reconnect. Things then took a turn for the worse, and a week later, he told me he was really unhappy, didn't know what was wrong, but he didn't think we'd be able to fix it. He kept saying "we can't change". Then came 6 months of hell. He turned into an angry, spiteful creature. During this time we agreed he would move out. He moved out in March. Since moving out he has really focused on the children, telling me frequently that he has worked out what is important. I found out a month ago he has been dating. I am 100% certain there was no OW when he left. I am 80% certain any one he is dating is a distraction only.
His job requires him to be away about 40-50 % of the time and I see him about 5 days a week. If it weren't for the fact that he doesn't live with us, that we don't share a bed, you wouldn't know we weren't together.
H is much kinder now. He is always doing things around the house (he sorted through all the Halloween stuff, re-painted the ceiling on the second floor landing, cleaned my car again and sorted through D12's clothes so they'd be ready to give to D8).
So, what's wrong with this picture ... H still acts like our house is still his home. He invited his niece over without asking. He tells me when he is coming over "I will be there at 8 to walk [the dog] and take D12 to school", when he is there he just does things (kind as they might be) without asking.
I am not sure what is best to do.
On the one hand I am practicing the detach with kindness approach, i.e. treat him like a brother. Care about what is happening about him, but try not to let it effect me. This means that when he asks me to join on family events I say "yes" (if I don't have plans) or "no" (if I do have plans). When he does nice things for me I say "thank you, that was very kind of you". On the other hand, am I enabling his cake eating ?
