Whirlwind of Hurt 4

[Twofeet]

So yesterday MiL (FiL was supposed to come but he bailed and MiL nor W would talk about it /shrug) came over to hand out candy at our house so W & I could take the kids trick-or-treating. MiL shows up and W says to me, "you and MiL go ahead and take the kids I am going to stay home." Mentally I am thinking oh no I am not dealing with this B.S. you are handing out so I told wife "Are you kidding me? We are going as a family, this isn't about us, we are doing this for the kids." So she backed down and went. She later said she had a good time and was glad she went. To me this just kind of ties into a convo we had the other day where D8 found out from W they would be with W for Thanksgiving. D8 wants to have me over as well to have Thanksgiving as a family. I say its your moms scheduled holiday I am not sure she wants to have me over. D8 gets upset so W says yeah we can do Thanksgiving together, but gives me a look. After D8 walks away she starts backing out to me saying she has to see if she wants to go to friends or family for Thanksgiving, not sure she wants to do anything with me or at her house. I say just let me know so I know whether to cook anything or make other plans. She says I shouldn't say that W doesn't want me over. I tell her its the truth I am not going to lie to the kids. Her point is that I should be softer on my approach, which I agree I should, but hey, they know W wants the D thanks to her own admission. I tell wife I wont lie to kids, but I will work on my approach. W says if I keep giving them the harsh truth they are going to turn against me because it puts W in a bad light and they won't turn on their Mom, just me. So there is some truth to what she says, but wow there is also a lot of fantasy. Selfish, playing the victim and not owning up to her actions, and lying to the kids to cover. However, yes I do need to be softer with my answers because they are just kids and I tend to come off as blunt and harsh in general (another thing I should 180). If down the road they turn on their mom it should be because the R between them and W broke down. It should NOT be because of something I started. That is wrong, I know it, and I need to be aware of it.

Right now it feels like I am on deck. Its almost my turn at bat. Feeling mixed emotions, sometimes I want my W to stay and sometimes I want her gone yesterday. I am glad this limbo is only a little more than 2 months, I can't imagine the in house limbo people go through that is longer. W is going out tomorrow night for dinner and drinks with gal pal and 2 other ladies from oot who they used to work with. W is so overspent she is saying she has to borrow money from parents just to cover expenses, but apparently not too overspent to have a night on the town again. In the past she would binge eat to make her happy as a coping mechanism to deal with her feeling down or depressed. Spending was apart of that as well. Now she just doesn't eat much anymore and she is binge spending. Buying things for her house she doesn't need cause she is taking the same thing from our house. At the rate she is going I am not sure I could afford to reconcile if she wanted to come back. I hope she OK, she doesn't tell me anymore about how she is doing mentally, but I am watching her actions and I am worried. She is smart enough to be OK, but I feel really bad for her and its hard not being able to do anything. I see how she looks at me and the distance she creates between us. Its just hard knowing there is nothing I can actively do for her other than stand an listen. Being the lighthouse is a lonely endeavor.