He would stay awake late at night and then he would not be able to wake up in the morning. Alarms would be blaring. That wasnt a red flag for me because his mom would tell me he was like that as a teenager. That he was a night owl...I thought he was a deep sleeper. Hell, i did not even know that was a sign of drinking. I do not drink much at all.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read this.
I could have written the exact same thing, seriously.
XH used to stay awake at night, sitting on the sofa in the living room watching the telly, or listening to music on his headphones (and drinking). At some point he would have fallen asleep and still be asleep there when I got up the next morning, sometimes about 7.30 or 8.00, a lot of the time with his headphones still on and music blaring from them.
Nothing would wake him up. Initially I would be saying his name trying to get him to wake up, then I'd be saying it louder, eventually I'd be shouting at him and shaking him. Nothing. He wouldn't even be stirring. I thought he was just a deep sleeper.
I remember one time, not long after we were M, we had got a chunk of money from a relative of mine as a W present, and had bought a new sofa (which was ivory).
XH had done his usual and fallen asleep watching the TV or listening to music. He had had a *very* large glass of red wine in his hand and it had split all over the sofa. It was the first thing that I saw when I got up and went through to find him. I went nuts. He hardly woke up.
I was so happy to buy myself a new sofa this summer. And so happy to get rid of the old one.
No wonder I felt so lonely. My XH hardly ever came to bed with me, and certainly not at the same time as me. I used to ask him to come to bed at the same time as me, when I was still awake (you know about 10.30pm) even just only occasionally, like once or twice a week. I told him I thought it would be nice just to sit in bed together and talk, or read side by side, or fall asleep in bed together. It was like he never listened to me and just carried on as usual.
The only exception to this was when we went to visit my family abroad, for two weeks of the year, over the summer. We'd stay with my gran in her tiny flat, and she'd give us her room - she would insist that we have her room. She'd sleep on the sofa bed in the living room as she liked to get up super early in the morning, a lot of the time around 5.00am (she was one of those tiny, very sprightly old ladies, with loads of energy). It also meant that she'd fall asleep early in the evenings, so we'd go to bed early. XH wouldn't drink as much. In fact, he'd hardly drink at all. It would basically be two weeks a year of some sort of normality, which would, of course stop abruptly as soon as we got home again.
I'd say 90% of the time we were M, I went to bed alone. If he wasn't on the sofa, drinking late into the night, he'd be out. And it wasn't an out for a couple of drinks and back at midnight kind of out. It was an out all night and then either come home about 5.00 or 6.00am, or go to someone's house to drink some more and crash out sort of out.
I'd ask him just to text me after the pubs shut to let me know where he was going. Not to keep tabs on him, but just so I didn't worry. I had started getting insomnia through an unrelated to his drinking stress condition that I was suffering from, so I'd wake up after I had been asleep for 4 hours. Sometimes there would be a text, a lot of the time not. I'd maybe try and call him (with no answer, of course). There was no way I was getting back to sleep at that point.
And of course, that fed into my insomnia. In the end, I spent seven years of my life functioning on four hours sleep a night (sometimes less).
For the last three years of our M, XH was working away - like Australia, the States, South America kind of away as opposed to a couple of hours drive away. He'd be back for a couple of months and then away again for another big chunk of the year. I would imagine his drinking/partying (possibly drug taking) went into overdrive at that point. That's when him having EAs progressed to him having PAs.
After I got over the shock of XH leaving three years ago, my insomnia improved incredibly. Everything seemed much more peaceful and calmer. I think I had harbouring a lot of tension, frustration and anger from years of trying to get through to him about his behaviour and make him change. And that had affected my sleep. I now realise how totally futile that was, trying to get through to him, or trying to get him to change, but I still am amazed at how still and quiet my house is, and I love it.
And I can't believe how lovely it is going to bed at the same time as my wonderful man. We chat, read to each other, hold hands, fall asleep together (and wake up together). They seem such simple things, that most people wouldn't even think twice about because that's just the way life is. But to me they seem like the most beautiful treasures and it feels like my heart is bursting with happiness because that is a part of my life.
