Just checking in and wanting to journal a bit. I realize my sitch is not nearly as traumatic as some of the others on this board considering my BD happened so soon after my marriage (11 months) and there are no kids involved.
I have hit a rough patch. My health has been horrible lately, and although I think of my wife from time to time, I think more about my future. I feel like I am starting to buy into the lies she is spreading about me, and wonder if I am even loveable considering I have the neck of a 80 year old in a 33 year old body. I know it's all lies, but it still gets at me. I continue to be approached by so many people wanting to introduce me to a "great match", but through faith in Christ I am taking the road less traveled and am continuing to be longsuffering like my savior. I am firm in my decision to only file if I find proof of an A, as well as non-repentance by my wife once confirmed if that were the case, but there is no way she is having an A.
No real update on my sitch. Still haven't heard from my wife. We go about a month to a month a half before there is a text initated by her (mostly regarding where I am at with signing her simple divorce paperwork). That has ended since our last convo a month and a half ago where I told her that I'm not signing, and if she wants out of this marriage she can go ahead and file. The fact that nothing has happened tells me she wants to remain conflict avoidant and retain her victim status by not filing, so this may be a reallllllyyyy long limbo period. Not sure what to thing about that. I have two pastors and my marriage counselor saying I have grounds for D, but it just doesn't sit well with me. I would rather her initiate, as I want to remain obedient in my faith of what God would want me to do.
I feel like as time goes on, I continue to lose myself. It would be one thing if my W was the only one against our marriage, but she has spread so many lies to so many people (family), that if she eventually repented and wanted to come back to the M, she would be talked out of it. The only thing I pray for is for her to fully repent, and admit to all including me that she was wrong, which I'm not sure she is capable of.
Don't really have much to ask in terms of advice, I just need some support. Continuing to go dark is the only thing I need to continue to do unless anyone has any different input.
