According to Sandi rules, I should show that I am content, happy and moving forward - I should be nice and friendly - however I am having a real hard time figuring out where the "border" between detaching from our old life and showing her that I don't really care but still act friendly and nice. - You talk about throwing her out of the bedroom (we are taking turns sleeping in the bedroom of the youngest child - should I tell her to move there permanently, and is that not going against sandi's rule about being cordial and not arguing, being happy and content?
Some here do suggest kicking a WAS out of the bedroom. Personally my attitude is that YOU don't leave, but you leave it to them as to what they want to do. So personally I don't believe in kicking her out, but I fully believe in shutting her down if she tries to kick you out. The thing about dealing with a WAS is they think the LBS is controlling and manipulative. So to do a 180 on that you've got to leave her alone and let her make her own decisions whether you think they are smart or stupid, good or bad. She says she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed with you? Tell her you are not going anywhere, but that she is welcome to sleep there, or in the basement, or on the back porch or the roof or wherever. It's her choice. Same thing if she says she wants S or D, you tell her it's not what you want but you will respect her wishes and allow her to leave. But YOU stay put (assuming you can financially).
Anyway you did boot her out of the bedroom and I am not telling you that was wrong (particularly since she is a WW rather than WAS), now that you've done it then stick to your guns. Because consistency is very important, and very difficult for a LBS because they want to try every trick and technique they can to see if anything "works" (but it doesn't in the short term, because there is no magic trick).
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What about daily life? today we have gymnastics (don't know if that is the right word for it in english) with the little ones, and she wants to come, do I tell her, yes sure, lets go play family? or do I just tell her, we don't do this anymore? I am having a hard time finding the balance in this 180.. How much "family" do I play with her?
That's the correct word. OK so in general the rule is don't ask her out on dates, but if you are going to do something and she wants to come along then that's fine. But you go whether she goes or not. Your attitude should be you don't care whether she goes or not.
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She apparently found my letter this morning when she packed the bags for work (yea she insists on packing my lunchbox still - should I just tell her; no thank you?" She asked if the letter was for her? (it was in an envelope with her name on it) - She seemed genuinely happy and interested in it, however I told her no it wasn't. She then responded "well, it has my name on it..." and then left it with that comment - should I just destroy the letter ? (the one that informs her, of the fact that I am moving on now with the kids because she is so infatuated and out of reach that we are not compatible at this point).
Good grief yes, get rid of it! Where in the world did you leave it where she just happened to see it? And why? Ask yourself that, because I'm thinking you wanted her to find it. Do not ever discuss the contents with her. If she keeps bugging you about it just say you had written some thoughts down but in retrospect you realize it was more for you than her and you have since destroyed it.
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Tonight she will be going to OM again, and whenever she does, she becomes real distant and cold in the hours before leaving. Yesterday she wasn't going anywhere, and I had a late meeting a work, when I came home she had kept food warm for me in the oven, and sat down to eat with me.. I am so confused to this behavior.
Are you? Even though we just explained cake-eating to you? Because what you describe is 100% consistent with a WW's cake-eating practices.
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This morning she came in, and told me, that she would not be leaving home sunday through wednesday, as she had planned to. In fact she would not be going there anymore. Then she burst in tears and excused herself. I asked her if she was okay to which she replied no, not at all.. I didn't respond to her answer nor did I comfort her in any ways. I just made breakfast for me and the kids and attended to their needs and my own.
She proceeded to delete all the calendar dates where she was supposed to leave the house to be with OM.
How do I proceed from here?
You keep doing what you are doing and treating her like the WAYWARD wife that she is. Because she still is. It is not at all unusual for a wayward to put on this big act of "ditching OM" only to go deeper undercover with the affair. OM is like a drug and your W is an addict. All addicts can quit for an hour or two or three and make a big show of throwing out their needles and crying and saying they are done with it all. But then the withdrawals start, and 99% of them are right back at it.
