After she told me about her day, work, etc., she paused and then said "Why did you apologize to me?"
I told her "because I felt like my attitude was bad, It didn't feel right how I texted you."
She said "What's the real reason?"
Me: "...that is the real reason."
Then she decided it was bs and started to get snippy with me. She said that I need to listen to her and not ignore her, and started talking about the car insurance. She got in the car and drove off, after cutting me off from asking her to explain what she meant.
BM, remember to validate at times like this. You and your W have a penchant for slowly escalating convos like this into a fight. You think it's her fault, she probably thinks it's yours. But the bottom line is y'all fight a lot over really minor things. So in the above, you could have said something like "it sounds like you feel like I'm being dishonest, I'm just trying to express my feelings to you but I am sorry I'm making you feel like you can't trust me." When you respond like this it immediately defuses the situation. You are not accepting blame, merely acknowledging her feelings. Right?
Quote
W: I just wanted to know why you apologized. And I don't feel like I got an honest answer, so I got a little snippy.
M: That was an honest answer.
You are antagonizing her. Validating response: "I'm sorry you felt like I wasn't being honest."
Quote
W: Sorry that I got snippy. Once I got irritated, I went into "avoid a fight" mode which usually involves cutting you off so that I can leave to avoid said fight.
M: But that makes fights...but I understand..
That is an invalidating response (as is most anything that begins with "but").
Quote
W: That's the difference between you and me. When I noticed myself starting to get irritated, I tried to leave the situation to cool down. You want to continue, which only antagonizes my irritation. I have always been the person to leave rather than to argue. You know this. Neither one of us get anywhere when we are arguing. We both lose. S loses.
M: I was being sincere. I don't like the way I handled things. I wasn't nice, and I was very rude. I know you like space when you get angry, and until the split, I tried to make sure you had it. Even if I just sat quietly.
That's actually a good, validating response. And that's where you should have stopped. Because...
Quote
I still care about you (I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT, BAD DB...SORRY) but I'm tired of feeling like I've been walked on. Even if that wasn't your intent, it's how it feels. For me, not talking things out has always bothered me. I've always been that way. I prefer quick resolution. I understand that we are different in that respect.
...you just turned it from validating to all about YOU. YOUR wants and needs. Do you think a WAS cares about your wants and needs? Nope. Even if you are hellbent on D you've got to stop making everything about you and work on your validation. This is all just sounding like "more of the same" to her.
Quote
W: I'm not against talking things out, but the heat of the moment is not the time or place. No one wins. No one hears each other and the situation between you and I has escalated to the point that the moment I feel irritation towards you, I know that's my cue to leave. So when I leave, it's not to make you feel cut off or walked on, it's to save us from the fight about to happen. Have a good night.
^^^READ this, UNDERSTAND this, RESPECT this.^^^ She is giving you some good insight here.
