Thanks FS. I doubt I'm stronger. I definitely have my moments and it took all my self control not to come back with a caustic comment at everything he said. DB has really helped with that. I know that I have the ability to put people down, be cynical and nasty and it is something that I am trying to work on for myself. Difficult though because my profession requires total emotional detachment.
There was an interesting question from him about who had been at the house drinking wine (i'm teetotal) and this is the second time he's mentioned it 'in passing' I have offered to pay for it twice but he has declined so I just said that it was some friends. I wouldn't attribute jealousy because he has told me more than once that he wouldn't have felt anything if it had been me who'd had the affair. He's told me that he hopes that I find someone else but he wouldn't feel anything about it.
I think the OW will be doing a good job of meeting his immediate needs ; ie when he needs excitement; she has a noisy chaotic life and when he needs calm and sympathy and understanding, she's wise enough to provide that. However, he's not the world's most patient man and 2 young children running around and being noisy (as children should) may test his character. But he tells me that he has no plans to live with her (could be to get better settlement) and that is a definite change of plan because he told me that would not be an acceptable arrangement for him. He may well have decided that he will accept this and get the best of both worlds.
I know I'm trying to mind read and it shows I'm not detached again. I suppose I should accept that it will be 2 steps forward, 1 step back for a while.
It's an interesting business this because last night I completely forgot what has happened and lived in the moment. It was only this morning that I reminded myself 'hang on, he did this, this and this' I do also think that it is an exhausting business; all this emotion.
Gosh Yorkie. I feel for you. I am also in awe of your calm and pragmatic approach to this. I think it will serve you well in the long run. I agree with everything that FS said. I also don't believe that you could have an affair and feel nothing. I think my H would probably say that too... and FS's likely would as well. What else could they say given what they have started? It is one thing to conceptualize it, it is another thing to experience it. I wish I were the sort of person who could put that to the test but I'm not. I care too much about other people and bringing some unsuspecting guy into this would be cruel on my part. I am, and always have been, a one-man woman. If I give my heart to someone, that's it. I don't even wonder what it would be like with someone else. So, I am resigned to the fact that this is a journey I will be taking alone and it isn't until the ink is dry on the D paper and I have had some time to grieve, that I will even consider dating or socializing with potential partners. Plus...I remember how difficult it was to find a quality person when I was 32 (first divorce, first husband, mutual parting - still good friends) and single. EVERYONE I met had "baggage" and hang-ups. I dated a number of people, had some interesting adventures but everyone I went out with felt temporary. When I met my H, that was it for me. He ticked every box. We lived in different cities at the time but we were as inseparable as we could possibly be. I moved to be with him four months after our first date and we were engaged three months after that. We were crazy about each other. And then life happened. I was prepared, I think, and he was not. And now we are in this mess. Anyway... I digress.
I think you are doing really, really well considering. I know without a doubt that you are going to be okay. I also know that your H will tire of his situation. He will seek you out at some point. It will s**k to be him if you have closed the door by then. Keep leaving the wine out!!! :-D (((HUGS)))
][That life with you is not an episode of Jeremy Kyle.][/quote[/color]
This made me chuckle FS. The very very unfortunate bottom line is that he wants to be in that episode of Jeremy Kyle because it was the "only thing that made him feel alive"
There's not really any reasoning with that is there?
I suspect that they are currently taking it 'slow' because he wants to present his Separation to the world and then go 'oh look, I met someone else'
So, a day of odd / new feelings today. This morning at 0600 the boiler was making a funny noise. Went to suss it out and realised it needed topping up and went to look for the pliers that have always been used for this purpose. Found the garage totally wiped out of tools. Not a plier nor screwdriver in sight. Really? He needs a full set of tools, electric drill, electric screwdriver, etc etc when he lives in the world's smallest cottage - that is rented on a month by month basis?
Got angry at the inconvenience but then went in my lunch hour to stock up on basic tools and then sorted the boiler. Then decided I wanted to do a basics DIY course so started to research online.
So, the odd feeling is that I feel a small amount of excitement at trying new things and only having to please myself. There's a small amount of fear, but I'm excited at the prospect of finding myself somewhere to live and making it my own. I can't honestly say that I miss him except from a selfish perspective of having to sort these things out for myself. I do think about him most days, but not in the obsessive manic way that I did at first. I think about him in a fleeting 'oh he used to be here' sort of way.
I think I'm sort of looking forward to being on my own. I have never lived on my own. NB this isn't an every day feeling, just snatches of it coming through.
I know it may appear that I am strong; but perhaps it also says that I am very selfish and only wanted him as a husband for when it served my purpose?
I am very aware that my 21 year old son is trying to step into Dad's shoes because he thinks it is helpful. But I'm starting to feel it's a bit controlling; he is suggesting what I feel and what I should do a little bit, and being a bit 'don't do that, it's a man job' It did make me a bit cross and I mentioned it to a close friend who said 'well he's just copying what his father did' We used to joke about pink and blue jobs, but maybe the joke went too far.
What a strange process and journey this is. Or maybe I'm just more cold hearted than most, or my marriage was deader than most. I do feel that I'm going to come out of this far better than him. All the things that were going wrong for him are still going to be there with or without shiny OW.
I do feel that he's pushed the self destruct button and I'm beginning to think that for my own self preservation I should get out of it sooner rather than later.
So, the odd feeling is that I feel a small amount of excitement at trying new things and only having to please myself. There's a small amount of fear, but I'm excited at the prospect of finding myself somewhere to live and making it my own. I can't honestly say that I miss him except from a selfish perspective of having to sort these things out for myself. I do think about him most days, but not in the obsessive manic way that I did at first. I think about him in a fleeting 'oh he used to be here' sort of way.
This is the same feeling I had when I sorted out the toilet myself. The same feeling I get when I put a picture up or I sort out something in the house (OK - I normally get someone in to do it but it is the same thing .. sort of). H always sorted things around the house and now that he has left, there is a kind of satisfaction in doing things (or paying someone else to do things).
The biggest change for me is how much I love having the house to myself. I love the sheer emptiness of it. The fact that I can do something as simple as spend time writing on this forum without someone judging me.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I know it may appear that I am strong; but perhaps it also says that I am very selfish and only wanted him as a husband for when it served my purpose?
Do not mistake strength for selfishness or coldness. Your H has forced you on a journey you did not want. Do not feel guilty because you are starting to enjoy some aspects of it.
You're spot on Flysolo - I think I do feel guilty about looking forward to things without him. And that in reality, my future is rosier than his and yet he's the one that walked out.
Maybe the love had gone or maybe it's his actions that made it go. Maybe it will come back, maybe it won't. I would never have had this attitude 2 months ago. We all want to fix things straightaway when the best advice is to give yourself time. I so wish I hadn't done all the desperate, needy, clingy stuff in the first six weeks.
I think the key for me is acknowledging that I am allowed to feel sad sometimes but it doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be better. And each time it happens, I'm a little tiny bit stronger than the last time. I think I'm learning to let the feelings wash over me and just let them happen rather than fight or force them.
And to let people help when they offer and to ask if they don't. This week I asked my DIL to ring H's father who had left me a message. I didn't want to talk to him because he's 90 and doesn't need to deal with this and I recognised that I might get defensive or upset which wouldn't help anyone. She was more than happy and capable of doing that and reassured him that I was okay and would be in touch soon. It was a great help to me.
I do need to say that I know this is easier for me because my children are grown.
But in my job, I deal with extraordinarily tragic circumstances and I suppose it does put my situation into perspective. I have 3 wonderful sons, 2 daughter in Laws and a brand new grandson, a dog I adore, 2 sisters, a SIL I'm close to, friends from childhood, fantastic work colleagues; a good job; a roof over my head; a car to drive and my health. That's a lot to be grateful for.
I did something last night that really helped me. I wrote down how many times I've been knocked down by Hs actions in recent months. For me it went something like:
Found out about the affair - processed and came to terms he left - processed and came to terms He came back and left - processed and came to terms He came back and left - processed and came to terms he told me about OWs sexual preferences - processed and dismissed from mind found further lies - processed and dismissed visited most days and talked about R - processed and dealt found out back with OW - processed and ACTED stopped visiting - processed and came to terms stopped communicating - processed and came to terms told me he would never live with me again - processed and came to terms met to discuss split of assets - processed and acting on it
etc etc
Noticed a theme. I can cope. Now thinking " come on then, what's next, bring it on"
There are stages to this 'thing' Few us of get BD and then that's it. We get lots and lots of shrapnel thereafter. Look what we can cope with. Every one of us.
I did the same soon after BD. I don't think I was in the right frame of mind then so will do it again. My list at the time with comments given where I am today:
1. I will grow old alone (possibly - but that is up to me) 2. The kids will be damaged by this (possibly - but we are actively trying to manage this) 3. We will lose the house (definitely - but it is only a house) 4. I will never be intimate with anyone again ([censored] to that - there are a hundred different ways to get this). 5. The future I had planned is gone (yes - but I will build a new future) 6. What if I lose my job (possible, but unlikely) 7. Financial security is gone (Yes - but I will cope).
Thank you for reminding us all that we can do this.
I have been listening to Praying by Keisha. D8 and I were signing it out loud in the car when H was driving me home the other night. First time I listened to the words. Seemed very fitting singing it in the car with H next to me.
For some reason tonight when thinking about my own situation, I started to think about the 'hokey cokey' (think you call it the hokey pokey in the US) "you put your whole self in, your whole self out, in out in out, you shake it all about, you do the hokey cokey and you turn around; that's what it's all about"
Just in case you're wondering, I've been tea total for 28 years. But this is what my life feels like. Or certainly what my emotions feel like.
