Introduction

[TJT]

Thanks Acc. I have basically come to this conclusion as well. While I know we are all biased about ourselves, I'm confident that my "sins" are nowhere near deserving of his treatment of me and whatever he is making it out to be in his head. But I do get that if that's what he's convinced himself of, he will believe it as fact and there's nothing I can do about it.

Lately I have been remembering little things here and there, just conversations we may have had where I said one thing or another that didn't seem like a big deal at the time (like simply disagreeing on our taste in something), but that now I think, "Oh, I'm sure that was a thing he didn't like." And of course, even though I had no idea and couldn't get him to open up, and those things certainly should not be basis for divorce in any case, I do catch myself thinking that it's my "fault" because of them.

It tears me apart knowing that I'm thinking these things while also being well aware that it's his behavior that's making me feel bad about and question myself. And it's not because I don't think I shouldn't be the one to do any changing, but because I KNOW I had tried to understand and improve what I could so many times, only for it to be ignored, as you say. It's like he was building this case against me for so long, and I just don't know why he invested so much of his energy in that instead of growth (million dollar question). In fact, I recall a conversation I had with him where I directly said that it seems like I can praise him for 10 things but the one thing I disagree with him on he will take SO personally. I can't remember his full response, but I do remember he generally agreed with me that that was his response pattern!

Based on what I've read in other people's sitches, I have to say I feel like mine is pretty far gone. Aside from his inaction on the D and general lack of concern/attention when it comes to loose ends, I don't feel like there's anything left on the other side since he has moved out, or that those things are an attempt to manipulate. We've been NC for a month or more now. He never tries to text me. He never tries to come by the house. There's none of the "games" that I hear people talk about trying to get my attention and then pushing me away in a cycle. I'm slowly, slowwwly detaching, but I'm definitely resisting it mentally knowing that it will be the nail in the coffin for us if I manage to actually do it.

Part of me wants that freedom, and part of me wants to be that person that waits around for their one true love to get a clue and come back to them to live happily ever after even if it means years of holding out (definitely NOT what I want my life to be, but I hope you get my point). Then I think about all the things he's done and I ask myself, "IS THIS SERIOUSLY YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE?" at which point I realize the cocaine-effect of love on my brain and just try to encourage myself that if I can keep going long enough I will beat this addiction!!

I did get a change of address verification in the mail last week, but it didn't have the new address on it. I texted him to ask about the new address and to let him know that if any mail addressed to both of us accidentally gets forwarded, I need to know about it. I also let him know how much I'm paying each month for health insurance since it's open enrollment at work... he asked if I could simply not enroll them. I told him no, not unless he either has insurance offered by his job (which he doesn't) or I have a divorce decree. His response was to offer to pay me his portion of the benefits directly "until then". I didn't bother to ask when he was planning on "then" being.

I am certainly not obligated to put his son on my insurance, but I'd rather have him be covered than be married to his father, have something major happen, and then he has either no or very poor coverage through somewhere else with me still being legally responsible for half, if it came down to it.

Anyway though, it was a short and to the point exchange of texts. He seemed to have no problem handing over money for his portion of bills I'm still managing (not trying to cake eat), and there was nothing more to the conversation. I didn't try to get anything else out of him or act like I cared about anything else other than getting his contribution for what I'm still paying for. I didn't say thank you or anything after he agreed he would give his share. It was all business.

Before, I gave myself until the end of this month to decide whether or not I will file. I have extended my timeline to December, mostly because I have felt like I still need to "marinate" in everything that's happened and him being moved out, without thinking about logistics and taking action and getting things sorted out. It doesn't seem like it's been that long so even though it does feel pretty far gone and hopeless, I'm at least trying to give some extended length of time of truly being apart to see if it changes anything and for me to feel comfortable enough with the decision. That's the only hope I have left, albeit with very low expectations.

That's also when our anniversary is, and I figure if that goes by without any change in the sitch, it may put enough fire under me to say screw it and file. I'm pretty sure I already know what that outcome will be. Again I just feel like I've never heard of someone being so self-convinced of an alternate reality than this man seems to be, especially given the good times the relationship had. To be able to push those parts out and be so absorbed in himself and this sudden danger he's protecting himself from seems to be legitimately crazy the more I think about it. I can't help but wonder if there's truly something that can't be done in these cases to get people to see the flaws in their minds, or if it's more like a disease with no cure that some people will just succumb to without any chance of changing that.

So I just try to remind myself that these things happen. People go crazy. Accidents happen (speaking of, I had a VERY close call with the other day with someone who didn't look both ways before pulling out into an intersection - my dog was in the car, I don't know how I managed to get out of the way fast enough, but given everything that's going on in my life already it really shook me up and just scared me even more to be reminded yet again of how helpless and vulnerable I am!)

And that [censored] the worst, knowing that ultimately we don't really have the final say in what comes of it, especially the one thing that you thought you'd always be able to count on when anything else goes wrong. And aside from that aspect, it was the first time I realized that if I HAD gotten into an accident, I wouldn't have my husband to come see me in the hospital, or come to my funeral if I had died. It would just be one more thing that really sucked for me and was of no consequence to him. And that hurt and upset me in a whole new way.