We have had a great run being together from age 17-30.
Were there any previous boyfriends/girlfriends before dating each other?
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I became sick 6 years ago, and I was not able to provide her with the love, affection and caring that she needed. I developed a depression, that kept me in a state of wanting to be alone and being "grumpy?" all the time. This came in periods, and she stood by me even though it was difficult.
Serious depression is absolutely horrible. Many people do not understand it. To have a devoted companion is a blessing. I think it takes a very loving and patient sole to endure living with someone who has depression. Depression is often misunderstood and others may see you as lazy, weak, contrary, etc. Some spouses just get fed up with it. This leads me to make this statement. Whether or not your depression was a factor that lead to her losing certain feelings for you......it did not merit betrayal. You are not responsible for her affair.
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I asked her on that night, if she had met someone else, because then I would not stand in her way, even though it killed me to see her destroy our family life - she said there weren't anyone else, but that she had felt unhappy for a long time, and that her feelings had gone.
So, you gave her ample opportunity to reveal the truth, and she chose to lie to your face, and she continued living with you, as a W.
It is hard for H's to realize just how much respect his W has lost for him. In this case, your W is no longer hiding the fact that she's meeting OM. I doubt she's even considered how blatantly she's rubbing it in your face. You don't have to like it, and you don't have to smile and tell her to have a good time, when she's going out with OM.
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According to Sandi rules, I should show that I am content, happy and moving forward - I should be nice and friendly - however I am having a real hard time figuring out where the "border" between detaching from our old life and showing her that I don't really care but still act friendly and nice.
I did use similar words and how that could be confused or misunderstood in some instances. You show her that you don't really care, by refusing to get caught up in the drama, and refusing to fall for her manipulation tricks. How? By changing how you think and how you see her. You do it by not having any expectations whatsoever. In other words, you aren't always mentally weighing what "she" thinks about you. You stop mentally weighing if she'll like it or not. You stop worrying about her mood and how what you'll need to do to make her feel better. You'll stop putting her feelings ahead of everything else. You probably thought that was what you were suppose to do in a MR. However, at the current time, you need to direct your thoughts to the information you are learning, and how you will handle things as you go forward. No longer are you her puppet. No longer do you live to keep her happy and satisfied with her life, and with you. It's not your responsibility. It is your responsibility to make yourself happy, and to see to the welfare of your children. If and when she ends the affair and is willing to do the necessary work to have a trusting relationship.....we can talk about how to deal with it. For now, you have to see yourself as an individual rather than a "couple". You have to let go of your nice-guy tendencies and don't try to rescue her or make her feel a particular way. Stay focused on "your" day and "your" GAL, etc. If she does something that makes you feel disrespected, then speak up. Stand up for yourself. If she's being all nicey-nice, just go with the flow, but don't make it more than it is. It doesn't mean anything has changed.
In her mind, the M was over when she started her affair. She immediately placed you in the friend zone. She wants to keep you emotionally attached to her, but she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you. While she has another man, she will not see you see with romantic eyes. She will not see you with romantic eyes as long as she feels disrespect for you as a man/husband. The only thing a WW truly respects is someone stronger than her. I don't mean muscle wise, but in other ways. If the H shows any doormat behavior, she is disgusted by it. She will take advantage in every way she can. And, that's one reason the H can't be bosom buddies with her. He has the idea it will lead to a reconciliation. However, if she is being unfaithful to him, she's just going to use him for a babysitter, cook & house cleaner, etc. In my opinion, in-house separation while she continues her affair......will never cause her to see you with respectful eyes. Does this make sense?
You determine the border by how it makes you feel. Boundaries are used to protect your feelings. If she's doing something that causes you to feel disrespected, then call her out about it. For example, laying out her intimate apparel she intends wearing while she's with OM, is a sign she is not considering your feelings. I'm not saying that calling her out will stop her from doing it...….but you can at least speak up. The ultimate disrespect is her cheating, and compared to that.....these other things may seem small. I tell people that if the WW does not have consequences for not honoring her H's boundaries, then their is no point in voicing them. Once she's in an active affair, she's not going to honor many boundaries, if there is no backlash on her.
I'm getting a little off the subject of your question. You want to know how to balance showing yourself as a confident, peaceful, man who portrays a positive mental attitude...…...and when he's going too far and looking like a nut. I get it. It's hard for me to know how to sum it up in a few words. I believe you have to determine how you are going to conduct yourself, and act accordingly, rather than conducting yourself to win her approval. We try to tell you how to be the best version of yourself. You determine what that best version is. She doesn't get to determine it. Make sense? I think this helps you find the border in many of these situations.
I also think all of this is particular difficult for a "nice" guy. If we tell him not to sweat the small stuff, he won't call WW's hand on anything. If we tell him to not allow the least little grumpy word, he blows it out of proportion. So, I guess you'll have to give us some examples and/or ask about particular actions.
He has to know his own self value and live by his belief system, morals, principles, etc. He has to base his decisions on these, rather than basing decisions or actions to appease his cheating, disrespectful WW. He has to stop doing the actions he thinks will "win her back", b/c it doesn't. It only pushes her further away. He has to have dignity. He can't compromise his integrity. He has to let her go, in the sense that he's not making her the center of the universe. As long as he feels desperate to hang on to her, he will not behave as an attractive male.
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Tonight she will be going to OM again, and whenever she does, she becomes real distant and cold in the hours before leaving. Yesterday she wasn't going anywhere, and I had a late meeting a work, when I came home she had kept food warm for me in the oven, and sat down to eat with me.. I am so confused to this behavior. I just thanked her for making me dinner, and then ate and headed out to the gym.
This is the behavior of a WW. As long as everything goes her way, she's usually fine & dandy. Many WW's are very manipulative, and they know exactly what to do with the H to get whatever they want. If she's having sex with the OM, then she is usually going to be cold to her H. She does not operate logically. Everything is based on her emotions in that moment. Her H is not going to understand her up & down moods, b/c he's looking at her behavior to direct him about the relationship. That's why you cannot believe what she says, and very little of what she does.
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(yea she insists on packing my lunchbox still - should I just tell her; no thank you?"
If she wants to fix your lunch, that's fine...….just as long you as you understand it doesn't mean a thing. It is no sign that she still has feelings for you, or that things are better. It's just the way many WW's act, in order to keep the H emotionally attached.
By the way, WW's have very, very little guilty feelings. Why? B/c they see themselves as justified. Hopefully, some day she will feel remorse, but currently...….she doesn't. I talk more about this in my WW threads. This is the link to the first one:
I get it. It's hard for me to know how to sum it up in a few words. I believe you have to determine how you are going to conduct yourself, and act accordingly, rather than conducting yourself to win her approval. We try to tell you how to be the best version of yourself. You determine what that best version is. She doesn't get to determine it. Make sense? I think this helps you find the border in many of these situations.
