Whirlwind of Hurt 4

[Twofeet]

TF, a couple of small corrections.

First, if you think she is asking a leading question (like the one about your sister) the DBing rule is to deflect it. "That is a good question, but I haven't really considered how I feel about that. I will have to think about it and get back to you later."

When she does just flat out start talking about something, remember validations techniques. "Hmmm, that is interesting, how did that make you feel?" "I can understand why you'd feel that way."

The story about your friend was a nice story. But what was your motivation in telling it? What was your expectation for the effect on your W?

I would continue to not be the initiator of discussions. Remember you are the lighthouse, she comes to you. When she does you are pleasant, upbeat, present. Answer her questions in as few words as possible. And validate anything she says.

Steve,

Without making too many excuses I definitely need to go back and read DR again. I really wish MWD had it in an e-book version. I have to hide my book at work to read at lunch. I was initiating discussions to be friendly and open her up and make her relaxed ie trying to not push. Sounds like you recommend I rethink my approach.

The motivation in my story as related to the convo with my W was that I was trying to relate an experience where I took action since this sitch is new for me. Friend's Dad was in a PA which is wrong, I distanced myself from his dad because I find him to be a bad influence because of this. My relative ended his marriage for an EA which is wrong and I am keeping my kids away from him for this and other reasons. I guess where it can be misinterpreted or look hypocritical, now that I look back on it, is that I won't and can't keep my kids away from W if she is in a EA/PA. Who knows even if she see this contradiction. I was just trying to demonstrate integrity, and past actions. Sometimes this whole sitch feels like walking in a minefield blindfolded.

As I have mentioned recently she says the only truth she will believe in now is my actions because she doesn't trust me or my words anymore. Funny, I am not sure how it got flipped on its head that I am the untrustworthy one.